The Wilkinson's Fables:the Two Towers
by The Phantom Dragon
Summary: part two of the Wilkinson's Fables. Enjoy and please comment
1. Chapter I: A Daring Plan

**Disclaimer: **Any similarities between this story and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien such as names and places are purely coincidental. If you choose to believe otherwise, that's your fault for fantasizing your dirty thing. Oh, and by the way; 'Moni' had nothing to do with the making of this story or the way it portrays her.

**CHAPTER**

–**1**–

A Daring Plan

**The** dull throb of her aching head combined with the grate of leathery skin against her cheek forced Duri into wakefulness. She looked around, momentarily disorientated, until she saw the huge wad of earwax that was sticking out from the ear of an Orc- an Orc whose back she was presently tied to.

Duri groaned and tried to look elsewhere, but all she could focus on was that great, huge glob of orangey goo nestled less than three inches from her face.

"Gross! You need to clean your ear!" Duri said to the Orc.

He ignored her. She tried to pry her hands off from their positions around his neck, but they were tied.

"So what, I'm like your freaking cape and bow tie here…do you talk…at all?" Duri said.

The Orc growled.

"Not to you, you sorry excuse for a Halfling. In my opinion the only thing you would be good for is to eat. But you're too scrawny, you're not worth the reprimand that we would receive from Saruman." said the Orc.

"You know, you really remind me of my sister Mushi, although you do have the personality of Heather in the morning and you have a bit of Michael's acne problem. You also have serious problem with puffy hair; you should really talk to Oli about handling it. And you definitely need to clean your ears." Duri eyed his ear in disgust, "You know, I know this great way to clean your ears. My mom used to do it to us when we were kids. You just take a Q-tip or a piece of tissue and just dig out all that sticky goo. I…" a large fist went up into her face, and she was unconscious again.

A few hours later she regained consciousness, and groaned as her face throbbed with pain. Her nose was bruised, and dried blood was prominent on her cheek. She was still tied to the Orc, but the group was slowing down, and suddenly she was thrown roughly to the parched ground.

"Ow! I can still feel in case you haven't noticed, you know!" she grouched, reaching up her still-tied hands to rub her aching nose.

Right next to her, Merry and Pippin were also thrown, and lay quite still.

Pippin blinked and looked around, but Merry was unconscious, and had a large bloody gash on his forehead.

"Merry! What did you do to him?" Duri said angrily.

The Orcs ignored her.

"They knocked him out a little harder then was necessary, Duri. Besides, he was trying to get the Orc to bite his ropes in exchange for a good word to Ugluk." said Pippin, looking over at her.

"Ugluk?" said Duri questioningly.

"The one in command. You know the ugly one up front, who speaks in an extra weird growl. He has the puffiest hair, and the nastiest eyes." Pippin pointed with his bound hands to the Orc up in front, who was giving commands in a booming growl.

"Oh he looks like Mushi alright. In fact, I'm starting to wonder whether she really did follow us to middle earth." said Duri.

She looked around her, her feet were bound tightly as were her hands and she was surrounded by Orcs both big and small. They were all gathered in a circle, growling about something. Duri found that the language the Orcs spoke was actually the language of men, just a very mixed up version under their voices.

"This is all we get to eat? We usually get more meat then this!" grumbled one Orc.

"Tell it to Ugluk. He's giving it to the Halflings." grouched the other Orc.

"Then maybe they should start compensating for our loss." the first Orc looked over greedily at Duri.

"I don't like the way this conversation is going, Duri. We could end up with half our legs eaten off." Pippin whispered.

"Or you could end up with no legs at all! Lie quiet or I'll tickle you with this!" the first Orc had heard them whispering, and was waving a large, crooked dagger in their faces.

"That would be great. I have spot over there that really needs itching." Duri smiled, trying to ignore the wad of earwax sticking out from behind the Orcs earlobe.

"Curse the Isenguarders! Why did I have to be in a sentry with Ugluk_**! **__**Ugluk u bagronk sha pushdog Saruman-glob bubhosh skai!"**___the Orc muttered off in an angry snarl.

"Um, sorry, I can't understand you. Maybe you need counselling. My brother Daniel could help you there, I'm sure he knows a lot of Russian psychiatrists you can see." Duri winced as the Orc grabbed her neck, squeezing the air out of her.

"Um…air!" Duri gasped, as the Orc let go.

He walked off and began to debate with some other Orcs. Apparently there was some disagreement about whether or not they should kill the prisoners.

"There's no time to kill them properly, no time for play on this trip." growled one Orc.

"That can't be helped. But why not kill them quick, kill them now? They're a cursed nuisance, and we're in a hurry. Evening's coming on, and we out to get a move on." insisted another.

"Orders," said a third voice in a deep growl. " Kill all but NOT the Halflings; they are to be brought back ALIVE as quickly as possible. That's MY orders."

"What are they wanted for?" asked the Orc who had been assaulting Duri. His name was Grishnakh, and he was eyeing Duri with an evil gleam, as if he couldn't wait to get his teeth into her thigh, "Do they make good sport?"

"No, I heard that one of them has got something, something that's wanted for the War, some elvish plot or other. Anyway, all three will be questioned, especially the girl." answered the first Orc.

"Are you quite sure that that thing is a girl? It looks more like cross between a Goblin and Saruman." laughed Grishnakh.

"Oh ha, ha, laugh it up. I'm sure Saruman would take that as a severe compliment. I am the most beautiful of all the Hobbits!" Duri said proudly from her vantage point.

"No you're not, even Frodo's great aunt, Lobelia, looks better then you would if you were a Hobbit!" said Pippin angrily.

"Pippin, stuff it, would you, I'm trying to work here!" Duri said, "Besides," she added with an injured sniff, " everyone knows that even a pig looks better then anyone in Frodo's gene pool."

"Is that all you know? Why don't we search them ourselves and find out what's so special about them? We might even find something we could use ourselves." said Grishnakh with an evil grin.

"That's a very interesting remark, but I may have to report that to Saruman. The prisoners are NOT to be searched or plundered. Those are MY orders." said Ugluk.

"Mine too," added another Orc with a white handprint on his armour and his face, "Alive and as captured; no spoiling."

"Well those aren't our orders! We have come all the way from the mine to avenge our folk. I wish to kill, and then return to the North." said Grishnakh.

"Then you can wish again." replied Ugluk snottily, "I'm the leader, I make the rules. We return to Isenguard by the shortest route."

"Last I checked, the Great Eye was still in charge!" grouched Grishnakh.

"The Great Eye, bah! He's got no guts outside of his own sty. And neither have you lot, for that matter. If it hadn't been for us, you'd all have run away by now. We are the fighting Uruk Hai. We did all the work. We slew the great warrior, we took the prisoners, we are the servants of Saruman the wise, the White Hand. We did everything, not you. It's only fair that we decide which route we take. I am Ugluk, I have spoken." said Ugluk haughtily.

"You have spoken more then enough, Ugluk. If you were in Lugburz, things would be different. They would agree with me that your swollen head needs removing from its shoulders. They might also ask where your strange ideas came from. Did they perhaps come from Saruman? Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Who does he think he is, setting up on his own with his filthy white badges? They would most certainly agree with me that Saruman is a fool, and that that Halfling is not a female but a hybrid! Swine is it? How do you folk like being called Swine by the muckrakers of a dirty wizard? It's Orc-flesh they eat, I'll warrant!" said Grishnakh.

Apparently that was some sort of insult, as a bunch of screams in Orc-speech broke out, and pretty soon they were resorting to blows. A few Orcs went flying hither and thither, and Duri and Pippin did their best to avoid being squished by the dead Orcs falling all over.

"Well it's nice to know we're in such good hands." commented Pippin, as a dead Orc fell on top of Duri.

She groaned and tried to ignore its smelly underarms. "Gross, Pippin, give me a hand here!" she pleaded.

"Give me a hand…that's it! Duri, quick, rub your ropes on his knife, there!" said Pippin hurriedly.

"Okay, okay. It's just that he's holding it right next to my ear, oh okay then." Duri pulled up her hands and rubbed the knot against the jagged knife.

In a few moments, the ropes came free, and Duri rubbed her wrists in relief. Noticing that the fighting had died down, and an Orc was heading towards them, she quickly tied her hands in a trick knot that Oli had taught her. Then she yelled, "Oi waitress, waitress. There's a gross creature in my food. Oh my, it looks like an Orc!"

Aragorn lay, his head pressed to the ground, listening. Oli, Moni and Gimli were catching their breath.

"This isn't very healthy, I don't really think Aragorn should make us run so fast all the time." Oli puffed, leaning on her knees.

"It's all that extra fat," said Legolas haughtily, "It's finally caught up with you."

"Hey, all that I've eaten for the past ten days has been lembas and a few odd sausages. That's it! And whatever measly amount of food I've managed to consume has been evaporated by all this running." Oli said.

"Yeah Legolas, not all of us are twigs." Moni added.

"Be quiet, all of you, I'm trying to listen to the vibrations in the ground!" said Aragorn visibly peeved and obviously ignoring their demands for a break.

Oli proceeded to do a jig all over the ground.

"I'm getting something…the Orcs, they're behind us."

"No, it's just Oli, doing a jig, for some crazed reason." said Legolas.

"Olivia, what are you doing?" Aragorn said angrily.

"I want to find them just as much as you do, Aragorn, but if we don't stop for a rest sometime this year we're all going to be just as dead as I'm sure Frodo is right now!" said Oli.

* * *

"Frodo, we're lost! We are so going in circles!" Heather protested, as they wound their way over the jagged rocks of the Boundary cliffs.

"No we're not! I know what I'm doing! They didn't call me eagle eye at school for nothing." said Frodo proudly.

"That was because he was a damn snitch." muttered Sam to Heather.

"Yes we are lost! Look, you remember when we broke off a branch on that weasel bush to make a fire? Well, look! There's that damn weasel bush, there, right there!" Heather pointed towards the bush.

"She's right, Mr Frodo. Let's face it, we're lost." said Sam.

"You're lost, you mean. I know these mountains like the sole of my foot!" said Frodo.

"Well that would explain why we're lost." muttered Sam.

"Eh?" said Frodo.

"He means, stupid, that your foot is so filthy you can't even see the skin." Heather explained.

"Speaking of not seeing anything, Mr Frodo, all I see is rocks." said Sam.

"Yes, I think it's time that someone else takes the lead…and the Ring." said Heather.

"No!" Frodo lunged at Heather, knocking her over, grabbing Sting and shoving it in her face.

Heather grabbed Frodo's arm and twisted it, then kicked him off. He slammed against a rock, blinking and looking bewildered. Heather got up, eyes smouldering.

"That's it. I say we kill him, Sam, and take the Ring ourselves. That way at least we know that he's not going to suddenly stab us…me, in the back at night." Heather said, her hand twitching for her bow.

"Don't be stupid, Heather, of course we're not going to kill him." said Sam.

Frodo smiled at Heather.

"Yet." Sam added threateningly.

Heather smiled triumphantly back at Frodo, who scowled.

"If you don't stop trying to kill Heather, Mr Frodo, we might just have to take the Ring." said Sam.

"Which would, of course, mean killing you." Heather added.

"What…what's that?" Frodo pointed to a shadowy spider-like creature crawling headfirst down a cliff a far ways off.

"Gollum." said Sam.

"Duh, you didn't know he was following us, I mean, I heard him mile away. And they didn't call me fox-ears at school, I just have excellent hearing." said Heather.

"So what are we going to do about him? I don't like the thought of him throttling us in our sleep…or at least, two of us." said Sam.

"Yes, you're right, Sam. Heather would be no loss." said Frodo grouchily.

"Dream on, Frodo. I mean, the only reason you don't have an arrow through that belly of yours is cause of Sam's intercession. Then again, we could always just put Frodo on guard duty, which by the way will happen tonight anyway, and then Gollum will kill him for us." Heather mumbled, as they continued walking.

* * *

"You, on your feet. Ugluk says you're good to walk, fortunately for me…and you." said Grishnakh grouchily; grabbing Duri's arm a little harder then was necessary.

"Ow, you're hurting my arm, let go! I'm almost one hundred percent sure I can't walk." Duri said, feeling her sore legs, and her sore ego.

"You'll walk. You'll walk even if you have to move one foot at a time! Because I am not carrying you all the way to Isenguard!" said Grishnakh.

"Well duh, who doesn't move one foot at a time when they walk. If you move both at the same time it's called jumping, but then again, Orcs like you on the other hand probably wouldn't know that since, lets face it, you're dumb, but anyhow I'm sure we can work around this illiteracy. I …ouch!" Duri was pulled up by Grishnakh, as he forced a terrible-tasting liquid down her throat.

She felt it burn her throat as it travelled down her pipe, but suddenly her legs felt strengthened and she found she was able to stand up. Pippin was given the same drink, and was soon standing next to Duri.

"Leave Merry, would you, he's sick for God's sake!" said Duri as Grishnakh moved in on Merry.

He stopped and grabbed Duri's chin, lifting her at least two feet off of the ground.

"You think this is a pleasure ride?" he growled, his foul breath overwhelming Duri, "You think that this is a bed and breakfast?"

"Huh, breakfast, did someone say something about breakfast?" Merry sat up, rubbing his head.

"Ah, just on time. We were afraid you'd miss it." Grishnakh poured the Orc-draught down Merry's throat and hauled him up.

"Well that was certainly the most revolting breakfast I've ever had. And I still have a cut on my forehead, it's going to leave a scar unless you do something about it." said Merry to an Orc nearby.

"Let the maggots fester in it until they are eating your very insides for all I care, and I'm the most caring of all the Orcs." said one very ugly Orc.

"I dispute that, actually, cause we'd be dead by now if it wasn't for Saruman, so I'd say he's the most caring, don't you think?" said Duri.

"He is no Orc, you half-formed Halfling! Now move!" The Orc shoved her forwards.

* * *

"We rest here. I suggest you all eat." said Aragorn.

"Oh, you do, do you? So now we need your permission to eat?" said Gimli angrily, as they all threw down their luggage and collapsed on the ground near a cluster of shrivelled trees.

"No, I was merely suggesting that…" Aragorn began, but Legolas cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"_**Aragorn, hasufel andrindi nemara. Vardo tellumar Eeo luini ieleni."**_ he sighed and crossed his arms, looking off in the distance.

"What about it?" said Aragorn.

"The incessant running." replied Legolas.

"Whatever he's saying, I agree with him." said Moni quickly.

"Pass the chicken legs, Gimli, I believe I entrusted them to you." said Aragorn.

"Well believe what you want, but I hope you're not the seeing is believing type because I remember you giving them to Legolas." said Gimli, getting out crumbly lembas bread, "That's it! Who's been sitting on my bag again? Moni, I distinctly remember…"

Moni cut him off there and then. " Now you stop right there, Gimli son of Gloin! You know perfectly well that one of those lembas things break whenever someone five meters away breathes! Besides," she added " if you were sleeping on that last night, no wonder they're broken."

Gimli stood up and lunged, but Legolas held him back.

"Yes, yes, hasufel andrindi whatever it is, I know." he sat back down, and scowled.

After a moment of silence Aragorn spoke, "Well I'm still waiting for those chicken legs."

"Get them yourself. In fact, find them yourself!" grouched Oli.

"And how do you propose I do that?" said Aragorn.

"I don't know, you're a Ranger…sniff them out." Oli said, leaning back.

Legolas reached into his pack and threw Aragorn a greasy, lembas-tasting, half-eaten chicken leg.

"Um…is there another one?" asked Aragorn.

"No there is not. Eat that or nothing!" Legolas' usually equilibrium-like personality was beginning to fray.

"There were six legs. You mean to tell me you ate all of them?" said Oli.

"No I didn't. There's one left!"

"Just…just forget it." said Aragorn, getting out his own stock.

Oli pulled out a tissue and blew her nose with a horrendous snorting noise. All the running combined with having to sleep alfresco on the grass wasn't helping and she had come down with a bad cold.

Legolas turned green and looked away, disgusted. Gimli rolled his eyes. Aragorn tried not to notice.

But Gimli noticed Aragorn's lips as he bit into the chicken, the saliva pouring from his teeth, and the general sound of smacking and slurping, as well as chewing. He made a disgusted look and looked over at the Elf.

Oli was blowing her nose, then seeing that he was staring at her, she turned and put one finger to her nostril, then blew vigorously down the other, causing a fountain of snot to shoot out at Legolas who was pointedly staring.

He looked at Gimli in disgust, and began to twang his bowstring. It made the most horrendously annoying sound, and even Aragorn looked up from his smacking.

Gimli, in reply, began to sing in Dwarfish as loud and as off key as he could, which was very off key.

Moni had nodded off and was now humming a weird song in her sleep.

Aragorn's jaw clenched, and he kept trying to eat, until he caught a bit of the fire from Oli's latest sneeze. That was it. The last straw. He exploded. He got up and grabbed Legolas' bow, prodded Moni with his foot forcing her to wake up, pinched Oli's nose and stuffed the half-eaten chicken leg in Gimli's mouth.

"Give me back my bow, this instant, you…you…" Legolas was at a loss for words.

"Freak?" suggested Oli.

" …Freak, you!" Legolas snatched his bow.

"Oh yes? Well you…stink!" Aragorn said, his eyes wide and bloodshot.

"And what happens now? Now I'm supposed to cry at your lame insult, is that it?" Legolas shouted.

"Shhh, Legolas, _**hasufel andrindi nemara."**_ whispered Oli.

Gimli was on the verge of hyperventilation.

"Great, that's just what we need, more Elvish!" he growled.

"It was a saying, Gimli. It means…oh never mind." Oli lent over and pinched Aragorn's nose in exchange for blocking up hers.

Aragorn was sitting down, eyes wide and bloodshot, and hair fritzled. He was obviously having a nervous breakdown.

"Okay lets just all calm down here." said Legolas.

"Legolas, I think you just need some sleep," Moni placated him.

"Yeah, speak for yourself, Elfie. I'm not the one who's hyperventilating." said Oli, "Pass the non-communal water canteen. I'm parched!"

* * *

Heather and the two Hobbits had been walking over steep rocks and cliffs for so long now, and tempers were beginning to seriously flare as they came to a steep drop-off.

"Well, I guess the only way we're going to get down is to climb." said Sam, "I wonder how sharp the drop is?"

"We could always throw Frodo down and find out." muttered Heather.

"Well if I was dead I wouldn't be able to let you know, would I?" Frodo crossed his arms and swayed a little as he looked down.

"What's wrong, Mister Frodo?" said Sam.

"I don't like heights." he whined.

"Look, would you quit moping about everything all the time, it's driving me insane." said Heather.

"Er" added Frodo vehemently.

"Oh what, now I'm supposed to cry, huh, is that it, now I'm supposed to cry?" Heather shoved Frodo, and he collapsed dramatically with a holler, which echoed throughout the entire rock face.

After a moment of silence Sam looked uncertainly at Heather. "So…who's going down first then?" They both looked smugly at Frodo.

"Ahhh!" Frodo yelled as Heather and Sam threw him off the cliff.

The rope tied to his waist caught him just inches from the bottom. He was still screaming by the time Heather and Sam had shimmied down after him.

"Oh shut up, will you? We've bloody untied you and you're still here screaming. God!" Heather crossed her arms and breathed in and out one or two times to calm herself down.

"Wait a second. What about the rope? How do we get it down?" Frodo said once he had stopped his snivelling.

"How could I have forgotten about that? Stupid me," Sam hit himself on the head.

Heather put her hands on her hips. "Well we might as well put up a big sign post in bright colours up as well, saying WE WENT THIS WAY in case Gollum doesn't see the rope."

"Now calm down, Heather, I say we just send someone to climb back up and get it…and climb back down." said Sam.

"Oh well, guess it's just going to have to be Frodo then, isn't it. After all, he did point it out and all." Heather said.

"No, absolutely not. I refuse to take any unnecessary risks. Besides, we don't like heights, do we, precious?" he said as his eyes glassed over and he fingered the Ring with his dirty grotty mitts.

"Oi, cut it out." Sam grabbed Frodo's finger and twisted it until he screamed and let go.

"Alright, I'll go up and get your stupid elfish rope, just make him stop that infernal squealing. We already scream 'retards' as it is. We don't need any help." Heather gave the rope two good tugs to see if it would hold her weight, and it came tumbling down in a spiral on top of her.

"There, you see? Just needed the magic touch." Heather untangled the rope from herself and handed it to Sam, who tucked it away in his pack.

"Well, let's be on our way then." he said.

"No," stated Frodo emphatically. "I've got a severely sprained ankle from when Heather over there shoved me. We're not budging, are we…" Frodo got no further when Heather grabbed him up by his collar and shook him till his teeth chattered.

"Would you stop talking to that Ring? It's really bugging!" she demanded.

"Don't touch me!" Frodo squealed, and kicked her in the shin.

Sam separated the two just as Heather was about to sock Frodo in the face.

"Now, then! We'll get through is much faster if you two aren't constantly trying to kill each other!" Sam stated, "And stay sharp, Heather…we're not alone!"

* * *

Duri, Merry and Pippin trudged wearily along. Ugluk seemed bent on making their lives a living hell. They were all placed in separate parts of the crowd of Orcs, with their hands tied, and an Orc behind them with a whip that he would lash at them if they didn't walk at the speed of 10 mph.

Duri's taskmaster was an Orc she had non-affectionately dubbed Grouchalot. He was big, smelly, hairy and ugly, even for an Orc.

She licked her parched and cracked lips, then turned her head to see if she could spot Merry or Pippin. All she spotted was a whip coming towards her leg. The lash sent a stab of pain through her already throbbing calf. A large welt was forming, and she could feel it.

"Ow! That really hurt! Why do you always have to whip me if I'm not concentrating on the glob of goo in front of me, Grouchalot!" she yelled, only to have her other calf lashed.

Merry heard the yell and looked in that direction instantly. He saw Duri looking very grouchy, a tear or two trickling down her cheek. He didn't blame her. After all, she was just a child and was probably in a lot of pain. Not as much as he was in, he silently reminded himself.

The Orc behind him seemed to think he was a drum or something. Every five paces he would whip his calf, forming some kind of sick beat to which he would then hum to in a terribly off-key voice. Merry did not find it very amusing.

Pippin, however, was conniving an escape plot even as Merry thought. He stopped marching, and a dozen other Orcs came slamming into him. Using the momentary confusion, he darted skilfully out from the crowd of Uruk Hai, and ran down a narrow gorge.

"He doesn't stand a chance," Merry shouted sadly to Duri, while his taskmaster joined the horde of Orcs chasing after Pippin, "Not in a million years."

It was true. As the Orcs began to gain on Pippin he saw there was no way he was getting out of this, so he decided to leave something to show Aragorn that he was still alive, so he dropped his Elvish broach that came with his cloak in the mud.

"That would've been worth at least 1000 grouts back in Hobbiton." he thought with a sigh, as it fell to the ground. Sure enough, the Orcs caught up with him. He tried not to scream as a whip coiled itself around his leg.

"This is enough, Ugluk," said one panting Uruk Hai, "I say we kill them all, now. That way Sauron still gets what he wants, and we dine like kings tonight!"

"I don't taste very good, honest!" Pippin tried to convince them, only to get another lash with the whip.

"No, those are not our orders." growled Ugluk. Then he turned to Pippin, "But the punishment is only put off, not forgotten. Saruman has ways of making you talk, and ways of making you feel remorse! Now leg it!" Ugluk yelled.


	2. ChapterIII:Run, Run, as fast as you can…

**CHAPTER**

– **2**–

Run, Run, as fast as you can…

"**Come **along! Keep it up there!" Aragorn and Legolas seemed to have been running tirelessly for the last four hours.

Oli, Moni and Gimli had been and were struggling to keep pace with them. The hot Middle Earth sun beat down upon the parched travellers.

Oli licked her dry, chapped lips, and felt the stitch in her side and down her back.

"We're going as fast as we possibly can, Aragorn. We're not invincible, you know!" she panted.

"Merry, Pippin and Duri could be going through torture even as we speak! We must move fast!" Aragorn and Legolas leaped over a boulder with their long, lanky legs, leaving Oli, Moni and Gimli to rough it.

"Ow…crap!" Oli whispered as she cut her knee on a sharp part of the boulder.

Aragorn and Legolas were already about five yards away. "That's it! I've bloody well had it!" she propelled herself off of her feet from the top of the boulder and landed right on top of Aragorn, knocking him to ground.

"We're stopping for a rest and that's that!" she yelled.

"I second that!" Gimli threw himself on top of Legolas, and the Elf fell flat. Gimli fell asleep instantly, and began to snore.

"Get him off of me; he's cutting off the circulation to my legs!" Legolas wined.

"Maybe she's right, Legolas, maybe it is time we called it an hour for a few minutes." said Aragorn, flinging Oli off him.

"Call it four hours, for at least three hours! I mean, it's only fair that those of us with normal-sized legs should have more breaks, don't you think so, Legolas?"

Moni threw her pack down and collapsed on the floor.

"Humph. Humans." Legolas crossed his arms and turned his head.

* * *

Heather tossed and turned restlessly on the sharp jagged rocks. She shivered and pulled her blanket closer around her. She had Sam's feet on the one side of her face, and Frodo's head on the other. Sam was snoring loudly and Frodo was whining in his sleep.

"Great, great, this so great!" Heather rolled over and got a filthy, grimy, hairy, smelly hobbit toe right in her eye from Sam, who was twitching his feet and snoring in unison.

"Okay, hopefully Frodo's turned over," Heather rolled over again, only to hear a squeal from Frodo.

"Mmmm! Aragorrrrnn! Boromir says I have to walk……Well I don't care! I can't walk; the ring is a terrible burden on me! Mmmm! Why not? Where's Gandalf? I want Gandalf……well I don't care if he's dead, I want to talk to…Mmmm!" Heather shoved a rag in Frodo's mouth and then sat up.

"Ugh! There is no way I'm getting any sleep unless I move!" she dragged her bedding over to the opposite side of the engorgement.

Just then she looked up, and sure enough, there was Gollum, climbing down to where they were camped, eyes glowing.

"Where iss it? Where iss it? They sstole it from us! The thieves, the thieves, the filthy little thieves! Curse them! We hates them! It's ours it is, and we wants it back…" he continued talking to himself as he reached the bottom.

Heather leaned against the wall and pretended to be asleep. Once Gollum throttled Frodo, then she would jump him.

At that moment, Sam sprung on Gollum, pinning him to the floor and wrestling him.

"Great!" Heather ran over and pulled out her dagger that Haldir had given her at Lorien.

Gollum was biting hard into Sam's shoulder. Heather rolled under him, grabbed him by the neck, and put her knife to his throat.

"Gollum, let go! Let go, or I'll kill you, I swear." Gollum grudgingly released Sam, who stood up, clutching his shoulder.

Gollum grovelled and crouched low, holding his hand above his head, just as Frodo came running up, Sting in his hand. "What did I miss?"

"Uh, only everything!" Heather said, standing menacingly over Gollum with her dagger.

"Why did you interfere? I had everything under perfect control!" Frodo grouched.

"Oh sure you did." growled Sam, fingering his shoulder with smouldering eyes.

"Don't hurt us! Don't let them hurt us, precious! They won't hurt us, will they, nice little Hobbitses? We didn't mean no harm, but they jumps on us like cats on poor mices, they did, precious! And we're so lonely! We'll be nice to them, very nice, if they'll be nice to us, won't we, yes, yess." Gollum whined.

"Don't believe it, not one word! Tie it up, so it can't come sneaking after us no more, I say." growled Sam.

Heather was about to reply when Frodo butted in.

"No." he said, "Poor wretch. He hasn't done us any harm, not yet."

"Oh hasn't he!" said Sam, rubbing his shoulder, "Anyway, he meant to, and he means to, I'll warrant! Throttle us in his sleep, that's his plan."

"Besides, Frodo, I really don't think you should have a say in this matter. After all, Sam took a bite to the shoulder, and I got a cut!" Heather showed the Hobbits her side, where there was graze from where she had rolled under Gollum.

"I'm the only one that can understand what he's going through, I'm the one who originally started on this quest, I'm the ring bearer, and to top it all, I'm Frodo Baggins! It's final!" Frodo insisted.

"Is it?" Heather raised her eyebrows. "Well I'm the one who had to fight him, I'm the one who couldn't sleep all bloody night because of you, I'm the one who's stronger, I'm the one who's taller, and to top it all, I'm Heather Greenleaf! It's final!" Heather stated.

"It burns! It freezes! Nassty elves twisted it, take it off us!" Gollum shrieked in pain, clutching Sam's elvish rope around his neck.

"It's no good, Heather; at this rate every Orc in Middle Earth will have heard us by the time we reach the marshlands." Sam yelled in frustration.

"They will anyway, Sam, if you yell like that again. Try talking." Heather said frustrated.

"We must take it off him. It hurts him, can't you see!" whined Frodo.

"Oh no Frodo, I'm blind, oh wait, shouldn't I say deaf! If we take it off him he can run any time he pleases and we'll be going in circles again like we were when you were in charge." Heather stated.

"Take it off us!" Gollum pleaded.

"The only way that's coming off your neck is if it's wrapped around Frodo!" Sam yelled.

"He knows the way to Mordor, we must take him." Frodo insisted.

"We could always hand Frodo over to some Orcs and they'd tell us the way for free." muttered Sam.

"Well I guess we are being just a tad unreasonable." Heather ventured.

"Just a tad," Sam agreed.

"Fine, Gollum, we take it off you, under two simple conditions. The first one is that you show us the way to Mordor, and the second is that you'll agree to a code of conduct." Heather stated.

"We be nice to them if they be nice to us. Take it off us!" Gollum clutched the rope pathetically.

"Fine then, it's settled. Will you swear it?" Sam asked.

"Smeagol will…Smeagol will swear it on precious." said Gollum, looking up with a gleam in his eye.

"I guess this just isn't your day, huh. You can swear by it, if you have to, but not on it, you know perfectly well what it would do to you, just look at Frodo here." Heather cast a subtle glance at the Hobbit.

The colour drained from Gollum's face. "Smeagol will swear by it, by it."

"That's better, thought you'd change your mind. Now swear by it so we can get a move on. The sooner we're out of this maze the better," Heather sighed.

* * *

Neither Merry, Pippin nor Duri remembered much of the latter part of their journey. They simply ran and ran and oh yeah, they ran, striving to keep up the pace set by the Orcs, whipped every now and then by some sadistic Orc.

The warmth and the strength of the Orc drink was gone, and Merry, Pippin and Duri felt cold and sick again.

Suddenly, at the same time, both Merry and Pippin collapsed face-first onto the turf. Duri looked up.

"Hey you, taxi, can't you see they need a lift, Ow!" she screamed as Grouchalot cruelly lashed her across the legs. "That hurt damn it!" she fairly yelled.

The Orcs merely sneered and dug their claws into Merry and Pippin, hauling them over their shoulders and picking up the pace.

"If I fake sick too do I get a lift?" mumbled Duri in protest.

Later on that evening, Merry awoke with a groan. He was lying on his back on the grass, and he was vaguely aware of Orc voices yelling amongst themselves.

One of the Orcs noticed he was awake and flung him some bread and a strip of raw dried flesh. He ate the stale grey bread hungrily, but didn't have the stomach to touch the meat. "It's probably from their last victims or something." he thought wryly.

"Oi, Duri!" Duri heard a familiar voice. Merry and Pippin were sitting next to her not too far away.

Duri was munching on the meat greedily. "Mmmf…whot" she said, her mouth full.

"Well it's just that that could be Mr Frodo you're eating, that's all." said Merry, disgusted.

Duri abruptly hurtled the meat as far away as she could. Suddenly there was a roar.

"Oh and it just had to hit Grishnakh, didn't it." Pippin scowled at her.

"Ish not my prob." said Duri, taking a large bite of her bread.

"Who was it! Who threw that meat!" Grishnakh stormed over.

"It was her." Merry and Pippin both pointed to Duri, who scowled.

"Actually, Grishnakh, if you want to know, it was Ugluk, he did it." she said, pointing a finger to Ugluk, who just happened to be swinging a piece of meat around threateningly.

"Grrrr…UGLUK!!!" Grishnakh stormed over. A quarrel soon developed.

Apparently Grishnakh thought that they should go south, and Ugluk insisted that east was the way.

"Very well then, leave them to me. No killing, as I've told you before, but if you want to throw away what we've come all this way to get, throw it away. I'll look after it. Let the fighting Uruk Hai do the work, as usual, if you're afraid of the Whiteskins, run. There's the forest," Ugluk shouted, pointing ahead, "Get to it, it's your best hope. Off you go! And quick, before I knock a few more heads off, to put some sense into the others!"

"Now that'd be just the thing!" Duri began, but Pippin shoved a hand over her mouth.

Grishnakh and his gang snorted and took off towards the forest. Duri looked positively elated when she noticed Grouchalot was among them, looking rather sulky and sullen.

At that moment, Pippin realised why some of the Orcs had been pointing eastward. From that direction came the sound of hoarse yells, and there was Grishnakh again, and at his back a couple hundred like him.

"Well I assumed that Orcs might have twins but centiplets is just too much!" said Merry, letting out an amazed whistle, "I wonder why they even bothered coming back."

"It's obvious, isn't it? They've got nowhere else to go. If they go south I'll bet you anything that they'll run into Aragorn and those guys." Duri shrugged.

"You think they'd be all the way out here?" Pippin asked in what seemed to Duri to be a rather snappy tone.

"Well yes, I mean it's only natural that…"

"Why?" Pippin said, very loudly.

"God, what's gotten into you, Pippin, I mean it's a simple observation, you don't have to get all worked up over nothing!" Duri scooted a few feet away from Pippin.

"So you've come back?" Ugluk sneered, "Thought better of it, eh?"

"I've returned to see that orders are carried out and the prisoners safe." answered Grishnakh.

"Indeed! Waste of effort. I'll see that orders are carried out in my command. And what else did you come back for? You went in a hurry, did you leave anything behind?" Ugluk laughed

"I left a fool," snarled Grishnakh, "But there were some stout fellows with him that are too good to lose. I knew you'd lead them into a mess. I've come to help them."

"Splendid!" Ugluk laughed again, "But unless you've got some guts for fighting you've taken the wrong way. Lugburz was your road. The Whiteskins are coming. What's happened to your precious Nazgul? Has he had another mount shot under him? Now if you'd brought him along, that might have been useful-if these Nazgul are all they're made out!"

"What are they talking about? All I've managed to catch so far is Whiteskins, Lugburz, and Nazsomething." Merry strained his ear.

"Nazgul! Oh great! I knew it, we're all going to die!" Duri threw herself to the ground.

"You! Halflings, on your feet!" Grouchalot hauled the three onto their feet.

"Back so soon, eh, Grouchalot?" Duri muttered sourly.

"Sooner then you would have wished, I'm sure, Halfling. But now, on your feet. We must make haste if we are to outrun the Whiteskins!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, did I hear you say outrun?" Duri protested.

"Hush! Less mouth, more feet!" Grouchalot flicked his whip high in the air threateningly.

* * *

"Olivia, over here!" Legolas motioned quietly for Oli to come.

"What?" Oli said grouchily, getting up from where Aragorn was plotting their next move, and Gimli and Moni were pretending to be listening, while issuing a grunt every now and then to convince Aragorn that they were, in fact, not half asleep but actually listening to every word.

"I've been doing a bit of looking around, and look what a mess I've found! We have obviously overtaken some of those that we are hunting, look!" Legolas whispered, pointing to a pile that Oli had originally mistaken for boulders.

They were, upon closer inspection, huddled bodies. Five dead Orcs lay there, two of them beheaded, the other ones sliced like they were cake. The ground around them was wet with blood and the air stank.

"So much for Aragorn being a Ranger, he didn't even know they were there! Well I suppose it would be better to let him in on the know or else he'll be pissed off and then we'll get the whole 'I'm the leader, I make the rules, if you don't like it just go on your own' spiel." Oli wearily approached Aragorn who was in a world of his own with his plans, "Hey Aragorn, um, there's something you need to see that Legolas found." Oli prodded him in the back.

"Not now, Oli. Can you not see Gimli and I are busy?" Aragorn snapped irritably.

Oli raised an eyebrow and looked over at Gimli, whose head was tilted backwards, his eyes were closed, his mouth open, and a loud snore resonated from it.

Moni was curled up in a ball, eyes closed, hands under her head, humming 'I'm a lonesome poor cat' in her sleep.

"It's really urgent!" Oli persisted.

"Alright, alright, just so you'll leave me alone!" Aragorn stood up, and followed Oli over to where the Orcs were.

"So? How come you didn't know about it?" Oli said angrily.

"Enemies to Orcs are likely to be our friends. Do any such people dwell in these hills?" Legolas observed, largely to himself.

"No," Aragorn replied hastily. "The Rohirrim seldom come here, and it's far from Minas Tirith. It might be a company of Men hunting here, though why anyone would want to hunt here escapes me. But I think not."

"Well what do you think?" Legolas queried, quite annoyed at Aragorn.

"These are Northern Orcs from the mine. Among the dead are none of the great Orcs with the strange badges. They had a fight, I guess; it isn't an uncommon thing among Orcs. Maybe there was a dispute about the road."

"Or about the captives," suggested Oli, "Let's just hope that they had enough sense to keep their mouths shut."

Aragorn forced them all to look around 'the area' which was in his opinion, a one-mile radius, but after an hour's search, they all returned, sweaty and panting.

"Well?" he queried.

"Well what? Well nothing, that's what! Not one bloody Orc!" Oli fairly yelled in a hoarse voice.

"She is right, we could find nothing," said Gimli angrily.

"Yeah Aragorn, this isn't a team effort, you're not busting your ass looking for nothing like the rest of us!" Moni protested.

"Well there could have been something and that's what's important. And anyway, you obviously didn't look very hard seeing as you've only been gone for an hour." Aragorn shrugged in dismissal.

"I don't believe you! Ugh!" Moni threw herself on the ground.

Just then, Legolas turned up.

"Ah, I hope your search was a lot more thorough then this motley lots'." Aragorn snapped.

"You're in luck. Look, right in front of your 'Ranger' nose. The tracks you seek. Up this water channel: this is the way the Orcs went after their debate." Legolas pointed to a mangled mesh that only an Elf would class as footprints.

"A debate, eh? I'd like a 'debate' with Aragorn." Oli mumbled sourly.

"Well come on, hop to! We don't have all day!" Aragorn yelled.

"I think I'd join you in that debate, Oli. _Aragorn nai hasufel lastro beth lammen_." Legolas muttered to himself.

"Whatever he's saying, I agree." Moni backed him up.

Aragorn turned around and slugged Legolas in the face. His feathery frame went flying at least five good feet.

"I've…changed my mind." Moni shrugged.

Legolas got to his feet and wiped some blood from his lip. "You're going to die, Aragorn…" he began.

"Look! It's an eagle. Damn it's huge!" Oli said, pointing to the sky, mainly to break up the ensuing fight.

"She's right! He seems to be heading north, at a very fast pace!" Legolas stated, squinting up his eyes.

"You're right, Legolas. I wonder what his errand is, if he is the same bird I saw a few days ago." Aragorn tried to pretend he saw it.

"Maybe someone stuffed a pretty package addressed to the 'lone free ranger' in its claws, preferably from the Orcs!" Gimli grumbled.

"It's not the only thing that's moving, look!" Oli pointed to a far away plain.

"It's a great company on foot: but I can't quite make out how many, or what kind of creature they are. They are many miles away; twelve is my best guess, but the flatness of the plain is hard to measure." Legolas prattled away.

"Sounds like your perfect vision is deteriorating, Legolas." Gimli laughed.

"Yes, like you always say, if you can't read the text, get specs! Ha, ha, ha." Oli said angrily.

Legolas puckered his face up like a sour lemon.

"Nevertheless, we need to find the quickest way down the field…NOW!" Gimli suggested bluntly.

"I doubt you'll find a quicker path then the one that the Orcs took." Aragorn said sulkily.

"Fine, lets just get on with it, then, cuz we're wasting time by the minute." Oli fairly yelled.

Moni sighed and prepared herself for a long walk. They walked in single file for a mile or so, until Aragorn demanded they all run, so they did (grudgingly), passing by the grass of Rohan that been blackened and bruised by the feet of the very Orcs they were chasing.

Suddenly Aragorn began to run right, away from the trail.

"Um, hello? Aragorn, the way to there, is over here!" Moni panted.

"Shut your trap, I see Hobbit footprints. Pippin's, I presume, since Merry has bigger feet then him. And look at what I've found!" Aragorn said triumphantly, holding up something that glittered in the sunlight.

Legolas examined it. "It's the broach of an Elvish cloak!" he finally deduced, "And it was dropped. Look, see these grimy fingerprints? Those are Pippin's. It smells of Orcs."

"Well at least we know they're alive and they still have the use of their brains." Gimli growled.

"Let's hope they did not pay too dearly for their little frolic." Legolas said.

"Little frolic! Is that what you call it!" Oli fairly yelled.

"My half sister's half brother's sister is out there, I want to know if she's ok, and you call reassurance of that fact a frolic!" Oli shook her head, "You disgust me."

"The thought of those merry young folk being driven like cattle burns my heart too, Olivia! Not to mention my lungs." Legolas scowled at Aragorn.

"Was that a trace of tiring I sensed?" Moni taunted.

"Yes it was! In case any of you haven't noticed, we haven't eaten a thing since we started running at midnight last night! Even an Elf cannot survive without food!" Legolas yelled.

"Then go and get some." Aragorn pointed to a berry bush.

"They're poisonous, Aragorn." Gimli protested.

"Preeecisely!" Aragorn muttered inaudibly.

* * *

Heather and Sam both began to sense the change in Gollum over the next few days. He spoke with less hissing and whining, and spoke to them more then to his precious self. He would cringe and flinch, if they stepped near to him or made any sudden movement, and he avoided with a vengeance their Elvish cloaks, and Heather, as well, since she was supposedly an Elf.

But he was overall friendly, and sometimes seemed to Heather to stoop pitifully low to please, even going so far as to laugh at one of Frodo's jokes, which she found particularly annoying.

He would cry if Frodo made any sort of rebuke to him. Sam said little to him at all, and Heather suspected he liked the new Gollum, or Smeagol, less the old.

But she couldn't bother herself with trying to sort out all of the disputes going on between Sam, Frodo, Gollum, and herself. Gollum had led them to the end of the rock maze, and they had a good view of Mordor, and behind it, a billowing red cloud that thundered to warn all that the Ring of Fire had been forged there.

Heather's eyes went wide. "It's gorgeous! Look, Sam, it's beautiful, the whole red sky mixed with the blue deal!"

"Beautiful? Tricksy Elf knows nothing of beautiful! Evil, and full of Orcses! Mordor is not beautiful!" Gollum was shrieking.

"Ok, okay, it's ugly, have it your way!" Heather sighed.

Sam was still shaking his head. "Beautiful or not, Heather, look at that mass of marshes. It'll take forever to go around!"

"We don't go around! We go through. There is only one way across between the North-end and the South-end. I found it, I did. Orcs don't use it, Orcs don't know it. Orcs don't cross the Marshes, they round for miles and miles. Very lucky you came this way. Very lucky you found Smeagol, yes. Follow Smeagol!"

"Oh lucky are we," Frodo heard Sam mutter.

"Yes, we are! We'd be dead by now if it wasn't for Smeagol, and especially since I have you two on my hands! You are an ungrateful little pain, Sam!" Frodo snapped.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," said Sam, hurt.

"Well I won't! I've had enough of you always ripping the piss out of Sam for absolutely no reason! He's the nicest person you know and you'd be dead months ago if it wasn't for him! So pipe down, or fall down, get my drift?" Heather pointed to the marshes below.

"That's where we're going anyway." said Frodo snottily.

"Come along, Hobbitses, Elf. We'll show you the way." Smeagol and the others climbed down to the marshes below, stopping halfway as Frodo lost his footing and Smeagol had to catch him as Sam was too far up and Heather 'had her hands full'.

They finally reached the marshes, and the smell wreaked to high heavens. Heather's eyes watered and she shoved her hand over her mouth and nose.

"Smells just like Oli's room." she muttered.

Suddenly Frodo let out a squeal.

"What is it, Mr Frodo?" said Sam.

"There are faces in the water!" Frodo yelled.

"Yes, all dead, all rotting, Men, and Elves and Orcses. A great battle was fought here, long ago, it was. The Dead Marshes, yes, yes, that is their name. Careful now, or Hobbits and the Elf go to join the dead ones, and light little candles of their own." Gollum was weaving his way very carefully through the marshes, avoiding all the flickering fires that burned on the surface of the water.

Heather and Sam both got the message and steered clear of the lights. Frodo, of course, had to follow them, because, lets face it, he's stupid. The last thing Sam saw was Frodo leaning over the water.

"Mr Frodo, no!" he yelled. Frodo fell in with a splash.

"Ugh! I knew it! Frodo always messes up somehow!" Heather ran over and grabbed Frodo by the back of his collar, hauling him, with the help of Smeagol, out of the water.

"Gollum?" Frodo gasped.

"Don't follow the lights!" Smeagol advised, before hobbling off.

"We have enough trouble going on as it is, without you deciding you need to take a swim!" Heather snapped, hauling Frodo up. The she sniffed him. "Ugh, you stink," she groaned, shoving him.

"Well of course I do, you just touched me, remember?" Frodo said snottily.

"Come along, Hobbitses, we're almost there. Just a little further now." Smeagol called out.

"Thank God," muttered Sam.

They made their way across the marshes with little further difficulty and up the embankment with even less, since Frodo seemed to have bitten the bullet about causing any more problems.

"Look, it's the Black Gate!" Sam pointed the dreary-looking grey of Mordor.

The spiked walls were lined with Orcs, and the entire fortress was like one big spiked metal wall. Suddenly, a horn blew, and Gollum shrieked and covered his ears. A great army began to come into view, with a great sound of feet stamping.

Two large cave trolls on top of the wall began to heave and turn a large lever, prompting the gate to swing open slowly.

"Who are those armies?" queried Sam.

"Mountain folk, men loyal to Sauron! They come to fight!" Gollum said, still covering his ears.

"Figures." said Heather.

"Look, the gate is opening! Come on, Sam, we must hurry!" Frodo grabbed Sam's arm, "You go first." He flung Sam down the slope.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Heather ran after him, skidding to a halt at the bottom, where Sam was stuck up to his chest in gravel.

"'You go first, Sam'! If I get out of here alive I'll never trust Frodo again!" Sam seemed to be really angry this time.

"I passed that point ages ago, Sam." said Heather, flinging her Elvish cloak over both of them just as two men approached.

They could hear the breathing of the men as they circled what they thought was a rock. Finally they left, and rejoined the marching throng. Heather pulled her cloak off of them and hauled Sam up with a groan, as the gravel poured off of him.

"Come on, let's get back up." They climbed up.

Frodo sighed, "Sam, really, next time, can't you be more careful? We don't want to risk being seen."

Sam glowered.

"I'll show you how it's done," Frodo got up and was about to charge towards the gate, when Smeagol caught him by the collar.

"No, Master must not go that way. He is looking for it, He is wanting the precious, and the precious is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn't let him get it. There is a another way."

"Another way? Why didn't you speak of this before?" Sam said, ever suspicious.

"Because Master did not ask! Master tells us to show him the way into Mordor, so good Smeagol does. Master said so. There's a berth, then a stair, and then…a tunnel." Gollum rubbed Frodo's shoulder.

Heather sniggered. Sam looked disgusted, and Frodo seemed to be too deep in thought to notice.

"Well it sounds like a plan to me." Heather prompted.

Frodo snapped out of his reverie. "Yes, he has been true to his word. We have no other choice then to trust him, especially not when Sam's being hasty and clumsy."

"Hasty and clumsy! Excuse me, who shoved who down the gorge?" Sam said angrily.

"Come on, let us hurry, we must make haste, yes precious." Smeagol led them on.

* * *

Merry shivered and drew his cloak around him. Pippin was fingering his bread and Duri was snoring on the floor.

The Orcs were all having their meal.

"I'm starvin'," one large Uruk Hai mumbled, "We ain't had nothing to eat but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!"

"Yeah, why can't we have some meat." said one smaller Orc. Then his eyes settled on Duri, who was twitching and muttering in her sleep, "Hey what about them? They're fresh!"

Pippin and Merry eyed each other in a distressed way.

Duri stirred and sat up sleepily, "Huh, what's going on?"

"They are not for eating!" Ugluk grabbed all three of them by the arms and dragged them away from the main crowd.

"What about their legs?" said one particularly ugly Orc with long grey hair, "They don't need those. Ooh they do look tasty." He moved forward.

Duri had just begun to panic when Ugluk and his fellow Uruk Hai shoved the Orc away. He growled and one of the smaller Orcs sprung forward, prompting Ugluk to slice off his head in a clean sweep.

There was a tense silence for a moment, then all at once, all the Orcs begun to fight over the dead body. Guts went flying into the air, and Duri nearly threw up.

"Pippin, Duri, come on." Merry yanked Duri's loose ropes off, and the three began to crawl away from the fray. But just then, they felt two cold hands grope them and grab them, rolling all three over.

It was the ugly Orc. "Go on, scream for help, no one's going to hear you!" he spat.

Suddenly he screamed as a spear penetrated his back. Duri punched him, and pushed him off them.

Merry yelled "Look, men from Rohan!"

It was true, a large company of men on horses had caught the Orcs unawares, and were slaughtering them with a skill the three had never seen before.

Duri untied Pippin and Merry quickly, and the three ran towards the nearby forest.

Suddenly Duri screamed. "My CD player!" It had fallen out of her pocket.

"Leave it." Merry grabbed her hand and yanked her inside the forest.

They jumped over and ducked under roots big and small in their effort to get away from the fray.

"Did we lose them?" panted Pippin.

"I think we lost them." said Merry.

Suddenly Duri screamed and began to run. They looked behind them to see the ugly Orc limping through the forest.

"I'm gonna rip out your filthy little innards! Come here!" he was yelling.

"Quick, up the tree!" yelled Merry.

Duri was already scaling it with little difficulty, being too frightened to even bother checking whether they actually had to or not. Pippin and Merry climbed the tree as well, and Pippin scaled past Duri to the very top.

Merry was just about up, when the Orc suddenly pulled him down.

"Merry!" screamed Duri.

"Lets put a maggot hole in your belly!" the Orc yelled, but he was suddenly squished by a large wad of moving…roots?

Pippin gasped as the tree opened two eyes and a mouth.

"Oh my god! It's alive!" Duri prepared herself to jump, but the tree caught her in it's hand.

Snatching Pippin off it's face, it stooped down and squished Merry into the same hand.

"Little Orcs?" the tree mused in a very deep voice.

"It's talking, Merry, the tree is talking." Pippin said in shock.

"Tree?" the tree said indignantly, "I am no tree. I am an Ent."

"A what?" said Duri, her lip quivering.

"An Ent! I've read about them! Tree's that can talk to each other, think, act on will, almost like big, wooden men!" said Merry.

"You're a puppet!" Duri shrieked.

"Don't talk to it, Duri, don't encourage it!" Pippin said.

"I am no puppet. I am an Ent, but who are you, little Orcs?" the Ent said.

"We're not Orcs! We're Hobbits, Halflings, Shire folk!" Merry insisted.

The Ent had begun to walk towards a certain place in the forest as though he knew where he was going.

"Hmmm, Hobbits? I have never heard of such creatures. We must ask the White Wizard. He will know what to do." the Ent said.

"The White Wizard?" said Duri.

"Saruman," Merry whispered to himself, so as not to alarm the already freaked-out Duri.

Sure enough, they came to a halt, and Merry, Pippin and Duri found themselves put down on a rock. As they looked up, they saw a figure clothed in white, with a light shining behind it so bright that they could not see until they moved closer. When they did, their eyes went wide and Duri let out a gasp of fear.


	3. Chapter 3: Rohan, here we come

**CHAPTER**

– **3–**

**Rohan**

**Eowyn**, the niece of Theoden, king of Rohan, entered into the dark of his hall, followed by her brother Eomer, captain of the guard.

"Your son is badly wounded, my Lord." she said.

" He was attacked by a legion of Uruk Hai..." said Eomer, removing his helmet.

The king, who looked like a zombie with white wizened hair, a pale face and eyes, and long grey fingernails, looked up, but only grunted.

"If we don't defend our lands, Saruman will take them!" Eomer said, visibly frustrated.

"That is a lie. Saruman the White has ever been our friend and ally." hissed Grima Wormtongue, stepping out of the shadows.

Eowyn shivered as he eyed her, moving along to kneel beside the king.

"Orcs freely roam our land, Orcs bearing the White Hand of Saruman," Eomer threw down a helmet he had collected, and clearly to be seen on the front was a white hand, with a 'eat that' look on his face.

Grima looked momentarily discomfited, before sliding back to his slithery self.

"Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see your Uncle is discomforted with your malcontent, your…" he looked over spitefully at Eomer, "warmongering?"

Eomer looked at Grima in disbelief.

"Warmongering?" he slammed him against the wall, "How long has it been since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Grima? That after Rohan was destroyed you could take your share of the spoil?" he growled.

Grima looked past his shoulder over at Eowyn, who hastily left the room.

Eomer looked over, then grabbed Grima by his chin. "Too long have you watched my sister, too long have you haunted her steps!" he said angrily.

At that moment, Grima's sly self came back as Grima's bodyguards pulled off Eomer. They punched Eomer in the stomach, much to Grima's satisfaction.

"You see much, Eomer, Son of Eomund, too much. By order of the court, you are banished forever from Rohan, on the pain of death!"

"You have no authority! Your orders mean nothing!" Eomer said angrily.

"Oh but this order does not come from me. It comes from your uncle the King. He signed it this morning." Wormtongue held up a piece of paper with a barely legible signature.

Eomer was thrown out of the court.

Aragorn, Moni, Legolas, Gimli, and Oli followed the Orc's tracks up and down hills, over and under rocks, and through streams.

Suddenly Legolas stopped. Oli and Moni defiantly came to a halt too, and Gimli collapsed in protest.

"I didn't mean it was a break, I meant I heard something…a large company, on horse." Legolas looked at Aragorn.

"Men from the gap of Rohan." they both said at the same time.

"Well it's about time." Moni said.

Gimli looked over at her.

"That we…met some other people besides Orcs." she quickly added.

"Ugh," Gimli grunted.

"Men of Rohan! What news from the Mark?" Aragorn called out.

The company turned and encircled the five travellers. The horses stopped and lances were pointed directly at their faces.

"Those lances are a little long. Are you compensating for something?" Gimli teased.

The leader of the horsemen jumped off his horse and looked Gimli threateningly.

"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." he said in menacing tone of voice.

"You would die before your stroke fell." Legolas was already aiming an arrow at the guard.

"We do not wish for trouble!" It was only Aragorn's quick intervention that prevented either Gimli's or the leader's death.

"Speak for yourself," muttered Legolas sourly, lowering his bow.

"We are friends of Theoden, your King." Aragorn said.

"Theoden no longer recognises friend from foe…not even amongst his own kin." He removed his helmet to reveal Eomer, captain of the guard.

"Nostrils!" Oli burst out, before she could stop herself.

"What?" snapped Eomer.

"Oh nothing," she said nonchalantly, putting her hands behind her back and looking away.

Legolas shook his head while rolling his eyes.

"My men are the company loyal to Rohan, and for that we are banished on the pain of death. Grima Wormtongue has poisoned my uncle's mind to where it is he that controls the kingdom. I only pray that my sister has not fallen prey to his lust." Eomer let the last word hang in the air, flicking his eyes across Moni, "The White wizard is cunning. He walks here and there they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked…and everywhere his spies linger." He stared pointedly at Legolas.

"We are not spies. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas of the Woodland realm." Aragorn motioned to the Elf, whose blue eyes rimmed with fire when he stared at Eomer.

Seeing that Eomer was looking at Moni, Aragorn quickly added, "And this is Olivia and Monica, sisters from Gondor." He flailed a hand vaguely in their direction.

"We are searching for two friends of ours that were captured by Uruk Hai. They may have come this way." said Aragorn.

"The Uruk Hai are dead. We slaughtered them during the night. " Eomer stated.

"There were Hobbits, did you see two Hobbits with them?" Gimli demanded.

"They would be small, no more then children in your eyes." Aragorn elaborated.

"We left none alive." said Eomer.

"They surely can't be…dead?" said Gimli, in shock.

"Hasufar, Arod!" Eomer handed Aragorn the reins to two fine horses, "May these horses bring you to a better fate then their former masters."

"Two horses? We'll need at least three if we want to get anywhere." said Oli.

"There are no others!" Eomer snapped.

"What about that one?" Moni pointed to a white horse that was riderless.

"That is one of my personal extra steeds! But I suppose, for you." he added with a look Moni did not like at all.

"Um…thanks." she grabbed the reins.

She had only been horse riding once, with Heather in Taiwan. She had a vague idea of how to ride.

"Maybe I should go in front," suggested Oli.

Moni was just about to agree when Eomer interjected.

"You would do well to get on at all. This horse was given to her, not you!" Eomer got up on his horse, "We piled the carcasses and burned up at that pass. Search for your friends, but do not trust a hope. It has forsaken these lands." He gave Moni one last lingering look, before leading his company on.

"'Do not trust a hope, it has forsaken these lands'," mimicked Legolas in a whiny voice, "Of course it has, with men like him on the prowl. And am I the only one who noticed the queer way he was eyeing Monica?"

"No. I think he is rather taken by you, Monica." Aragorn said, tightening the stirrups on the saddle.

"Moni; she has fans in every other continent on Earth, and now she's got one in Middle Earth too!" teased Oli, "I'll have to tell Frodo he's no longer…wanted."

"Shut up, that was not funny." Moni whined.

"Well, hurry, we must make haste!" Aragorn was already on his horse.

Legolas helped Gimli up onto the second one, then jumped onto the front lightly.

With great difficulty, Moni and Oli managed to clamber onto the horse, Moni in front, as she insisted she knew how to ride.

"Fine, just don't blame me if we get lost," Oli said, "Or crash smack into a tree," she muttered the last part under her breath.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, Oli, there's nothing to it!" Moni dug her heels into the side of the horse.

It whinnied and charged madly, stampeding after the other two horses, which were already galloping towards a large smouldering pile.

When they reached it, the horse abruptly skidded to a halt. It was all the girls could do to keep staying on.

"There," Moni straightened her hair, "I told you there was nothing to it."

Oli scowled and jumped off the horse. Moni smiled and did the same. They turned their heads to the large pile of burnt, stinking corpses of Orcs.

A head was stuck on a broken end of a spear, it's tongue lolling out.

Moni turned to Oli. "Ugh," she said, making the face their mom made when she saw or heard about something gross. "Eomer's into some pretty morbid stuff. He's a… weed."

"Whatever, Moni," Oli shoved past.

"Look," Gimli was showing Aragorn a strange, charred, circular object.

"What is that?" Even Aragorn couldn't figure it out.

"Hang on," said Legolas, "I believe I may have seen that object somewhere…at some point in time."

"Somewhere, at some point in time isn't very helpful." Gimli growled.

"That's Duri's CD player!" said Oli, after inspecting it.

"Ah ha! I knew it all along!" Aragorn said.

"Sure," scowled Moni.

"We have failed them." Gimli said.

Legolas whispered some words in Elvish, and looked distressed.

Moni and Oli covered their ears.

"Huh…?" Gimli said, but just then Aragorn let out a loud holler, as he kicked a helmet.

Suddenly he looked up.

"A Hobbit lay here." He pointed to very clear footprints from Duri's Nike shoes. Two sets of Hobbit feet could also be seen. "They crawled," Aragorn continued walking. "Their bonds were cut," he picked up the ropes that were laying on the ground.

"They ran over here," he said, dodging to one side, "Then over there," he said.

Then he stopped and looked up. There was the forest, staring them in the face.

"Fanghorn forest…" Gimli said.

"What madness drove them in there?" Legolas said incredulously.

"They were followed," Aragorn said.

"Followed?" Oli and Moni both said in unison, "By another Orc?"

"It is likely," Aragorn said, looking at the footprints.

"Well, I guess we only have one choice. We'll go through Fanghorn." Oli stated.

The others hesitated, but finally Aragorn stepped over the first large root to signify that they were going in. Legolas grabbed the reins of his and Aragorn's horses and grudgingly stepped inside.

Gimli leaned over and whispered to the two girls, "I hear these woods are haunted by strange things. Men have entered into this forest and have not returned."

"That's probably because Rohan is on the other side," muttered Oli, as she, Moni, Gimli, and the horse followed Aragorn and Legolas into the forest.

They walked for about 2 minutes when Legolas looked around sensitively.

"These woods are old…very old, full of memories, and anger…" suddenly he flinched, "It's the trees!"

"The trees?" said Gimli, perplexed, holding up his axe.

Suddenly loud groaning and creaking began to be heard.

"What's that?" said Gimli, looking around all directions.

"The trees," said Legolas again, "They are talking to each other,"

"Gimli, lower your axe," said Aragorn.

Gimli's eyes went wide with understanding, and he slowly lowered his axe.

"Can we move already?" Moni said, shivering.

Very little warmth got through the thick trees and she was, as always, cold.

"An excellent idea," Gimli said.

They walked through the forest, keeping away from the trees as much as was possible, until they walked directly into an extremely brilliant light shining through the trees.

"What is that?" said Gimli.

"It's rumoured that there is an old man with a white cloak that roams this forest. Funny isn't it, that directly on the other side is Isenguard?" Oli prompted.

"Saruman," said Aragorn, "Do not let him speak, he will cast a spell on us. We must be quick." Aragorn half unsheathed his sword.

Gimli raised his axe. Legolas ran his fingers along the feather of his arrow. Moni and Oli half-heartedly drew their elvish swords, which Legolas did not snigger at for once, since he was too busy getting ready.

Suddenly a figure stepped through the brilliance. Aragorn drew his sword, Gimli threw one of his axes, and Legolas fired his arrow.

The old man used his brilliant white staff to parry both of the objects, and Aragorn's sword suddenly turned red hot, causing him to drop it in pain..

"You are tracking the footsteps of two young Hobbits." he said, with a bemused tone of voice.

"Who are you?" Aragorn said, squinting at the brilliant light that made it impossible to see, "Where are they?"

"They passed this way earlier on, and they met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"

"Who are?" Aragorn demanded, "Show yourself!"

The figure stepped out of the light.

"Gandalf…" said Legolas in shock.

He was the same, except he had straight white hair, beard and eyebrows, and dressed all in white, with a white staff.

Gimli and Legolas kneeled, grabbing Oli and Moni's arms and forcing them to do the same.

Aragorn stood in disbelief. "You fell…" he said in shock.

"Yes, I did," said Gandalf. "And I landed. From the deepest cavern to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog, until I finally threw down my foe on the mountaintop. Darkness took me, beyond the stars where every day was as long as a lifetime! But it was not the end. I felt life return to me. And now I am here, sent back, until my task is done."

Gimli stood and grasped Gandalf's arm in joy.

"Back so soon Grandass." Moni smiled.

"That's funny, I was quite sure it was Gandalf." Gandalf mused.

"No, Grandass, Grandass the Gay." said Moni.

"No, I think I would remember being called such a name." protested Gandalf.

"It's true." Aragorn rolled his eyes, "His name was Gandalf."

"Gandalf, yes that is what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey." he chuckled, "I am Gandalf the White."

"I noticed," said Oli, squinting from the brilliant light, "Some makeover except some how I thought you would prefer purple."

Gandalf frowned. "That's right, I had almost forgotten about you two." he said with a slight tone of disdain. Then he laughed, "But come, we must continue walking." he hurried down the rock and all six of them followed him through the forest, "Merry, Pippin and Duri are all well. They are with a friend of mine. And now, we must make haste to Rohan. Saruman's influence there is great. I must summon my ride."

With that, Gandalf let out a loud and extremely weird whistle. Sure enough, a stunning white horse galloped towards them.

"Wha…hey! That's my horse!" said Legolas.

" No, this is Shadowfax." said Gandalf, stroking the horse as it approached, "He is the lord of all Horses, and has been my friend and companion through many dangers." Gandalf mounted his horse.

"But I…" Legolas was cut off by Gandalf.

"We must make haste. Now, to Rohan!" Gandalf spurred his horse on, and the others followed suit.

Merry awoke with a start, and sat up on the leafy floor. He didn't remember much if what had happened after they had met Gandalf, only something about Treebeard, the Ent, singing.

He stood up hastily and called out. "Hello?" At that moment he heard some giggling coming from behind him.

Merry turned around and saw Pippin and Duri sitting on a small, rock-encircled pool with a small waterfall flowing into it. They were drinking greedily from a small bowl.

"I had a wonderful dream last night. We found a barrel of pipeweed, and all three of us smoked the whole thing…" Pippin said, sitting relaxed with his hands folded under his head.

Merry looked pleased, until Pippin finished his sentence. "And then…you were sick."

"Rigghhht." Duri said, take another glug from the bowl.

"I'd give anything for a whiff of Old Toby." Pippin stated, but was cut off by a loud groan.

"What's that?" asked Merry, looking around.

"It's just the trees, Merry. I would've thought you'd be used to it by now." Duri said, as she and Pippin stood up.

Suddenly Pippin made a noise very similar to the Ents and he stretched about an inch.

"You just said something tree- ish, Pip!" said Merry in shock.

"No I didn't! I'm just stretching." And Pippin repeated the incident.

"You're taller!" said Merry, as it dawned on him.

"Who?" asked Pippin.

"You!" said Merry.

"Then what?" Pippin persisted.

"Then me!" Merry said, as though it were obvious.

" I've always been taller then you!" Pippin laughed.

"Pippin! Everyone knows, I'm the tall one, you're the short one!" Merry insisted.

"Please! You're what, 3'6, at the most?" Pippin demanded.

Merry shrugged.

"Whereas me, I'm pushing 3'7," Pippin 'stretched' again. "3'8!"He eagerly downed the rest of the bowl, and smiled at Merry, who squinted at him suspiciously.

"You've done something."

Pippin shrugged with a guilty smile on his face.

Merry grabbed the jug of Entwash (as that's what it was, the special water that made the trees grow tall and come alive) and took a large gulp.

"No! No, Merry!" Pippin began to wrestle with Merry over the jug, "Treebeard said you…can't have any!" lied Pippin, as they struggled with the jug over a large patch of roots.

"You guys, there's plenty enough for all of us!" Duri insisted.

Suddenly the roots began to move and trapped the Hobbits.

"Duri! Help us!" yelled Merry.

Duri ran over and began to hack at the roots with her tiny elvish dagger, which was not doing much. All that happened was that it caught her foot and began to drag her underground as well. At that moment Treebeard came back and hastily freed them.

"Well it's about time! Where the hell where you?" Duri demanded.

"Come on, little Hobbits. The Ents are going to meet." Was all he had to say.

"Yeah…whatever." Duri said, as Treebeard picked them all up.

"I can't believe it! Gandalf, alive! I thought he was a goner when he fell off that bridge, but look at him! Alive and as well as a Hobbit after second breakfast!" Pippin said, as Treebeard carried them to a large rock in the middle of the forest.

"I know, and I finally thought we had lost him!" Duri said.

Merry looked at her in shock.

"I was almost in tears." she added hastily.

"Treebeard, what's going on?" Pippin asked.

"This is an Ent gathering. There are so few left of us these days. Saruman's Orcs, they come and hack and saw and burn, tearing, ripping everything. It makes them so angry, the Ents, that they turn more and more into trees, and now there are so few of us. There was a time when Saruman used to walk in my woods. But now he has only a mind for metal, and smoke, and steam." Treebeard stood nearby the stone and waited.

"What sort of a gathering did he say this was again?" Duri said.

At that moment, at least five or six Ents all looking similar to Treebeard strolled through the foliage.

"An Ent gathering…maybe?" said Merry sourly.

"Can you ask them about Saruman? You must help us bring down Isenguard! He's killing your Ents, how can you not see?" Pippin asked.

Treebeard rumbled, "I will ask them, but you must remember, young Merry, that we Ents are never hasty, so it may take a very, very long time."

"Fine, just so long as you ask them." Merry sighed.

"Oi, Stinker, don't go getting too far ahead!" yelled Sam as Gollum splashed around in a shallow pool desperately trying to catch a fish.

They had been walking for nearly a day now, and were beginning to see some vegetation growth again, including a large brook.

"Why do you do that?" said Frodo.

"Do…what?" said Sam.

"Call him names, put him down all the time!" Frodo said.

"Because…that's what he is. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the Ring he's after, and that's all." Sam said matter-of-factly.

"You have no idea what it did to him, Sam! Face it, you're just jealous because he's been more faithful to me then you have!" Frodo yelled.

Sam turned, hurt, tears stung his eyes.

"I'm sorry Sam, that wasn't true…I don't know why I said that." said Frodo.

"Well I do," said Sam, turning around. His face was set.

"So do I, Frodo! It's that stupid Ring! You so shouldn't have it! Sam can carry it, and you can get a taste of your own medicine when it starts taking over him!" Heather insisted, her eyes burning.

"There's no way, Heather, the Ring was entrusted to me, as was the mission! It's mine! My own!" Frodo yelled, stomping off after Gollum.

"Just listen to yourself! Don't you know who you sound like?" Sam and Heather hurried after him, and cornered him.

"Frodo, give the Ring to Sam. We've discussed it and we don't think you should have it anymore!" Heather insisted.

"No, precious! We mustn't, we won't!" Frodo clutched the ring defiantly.

"Alright, fine then! If you don't want it the easy way, we'll play it your way, the hard way!" Heather lifted Frodo up by his collar and was about to punch Frodo in the stomach with glee, when Gollum came running up.

Heather swiftly dropped Frodo and her and Sam turned to see Gollum running up with two hares in his mouth.

"See what Smeagol finds?" he said happily, "Eat them now, they are young, they are tender, they are nice! Eat them, eat them" he said.

"Um, we know. But see, Elves have very sensitive stomachs, they can't eat raw hares." Heather informed Gollum.

"Neither can Hobbits, Smeagol. There's only one way to eat a brace of cooneys!" said Sam.

"What's he doing? Stupid fat Hobbit! He ruins it!" Gollum was whining and screeching as Sam boiled the hares in a stew.

" What's to ruin? There's hardly any meat on them as it is!" said Sam in response.

Frodo was daydreaming and had wandered off. Heather had noticed and was following him at a discreet pace, just to make sure he wasn't intending to make a break for it.

"What we really need now is some taters." said Sam, largely to himself.

"What's…taters, precious, what's…taters?" Gollum queried.

"PO-ta-toes?" said Sam, "You know, boil them, mash them, fry them. Ah, nice, big, crispy golden chips with some fish…" a gag from Gollum interrupted Sam's reverie. "Even you couldn't say no to that!" Sam insisted.

"Oh yes we could! Spoiling nice fish, scorching it! Give us fissh now, raw, and wriggling. You keep nassty chips!" Gollum spat out the word.

"You're hopeless," Sam stirred the stew.

At that moment a loud horn blow caught both of them off guard.

"Sam!" he heard Heather call.

They both ran over to see what was going on.

Heather and Frodo were both leaning over a hill-like gorge looking down on a large army marching through the ravine.

They were evidently more mountain folk moving out from Mordor towards Gondor. Heather looked curiously at the huge beast resembling Elephants. They were massive, and had much longer tusks, and according to Sam were called Oliphaunts.

"They do actually give off a striking resemblance to Oli's Hulk-like nature." Heather thought wryly, but her moment of contemplation was cut off by a squeal echoing from Frodo's lips.

"Frodo, shut up…" Heather's voice trailed off as she saw arrows fly.

A large group of Archers were attacking the army.

"You guys…I think we should keep moving!" Heather said, remembering about Faramir.

"No, we want to stay and watch the fight!" insisted Sam and Frodo.

"I mean it, let's get a move on!" Heather said frantically.

"It's alright, Heather, we're quite safe up here. Girls these days!" Frodo said.

"Frodo, look out!" yelled Sam.

Frodo looked up and squealed at the dead body of a man from the Oliphaunt fell on him.

"Get it off, get it off!" he was squealing.

"Sam, to your left," said Heather, as they dodged a few arrows.

"Get it off," Frodo was crying by now.

"Get it off yourself! Better yet get your 'loyal' Smeagol to! God! Boys these days!" Heather said ducking again.

"That's a point, where is Smeagol?" said Sam, looking around.

"Well he's had loads of opportunities to make a dash for it. Probably playing one of his one-sided games of hide and seek." Heather said.

Frodo had managed to crawl out form under the dead body. As he crawled along he stopped when he saw two boots. Looking up, he squealed and began to stand up, but the archer stopped him, grabbing him by his cloak.

"Frodo!" Sam ran over, " Let him go!" he yelled, but at that moment the rest of the archers joined in and soon Sam and Frodo were both tied and blindfolded.

Heather aimed am arrow at the leader's head, "Let the big one go and you can live!"

Ten other arrows were swiftly aimed in her direction. She raised her eyebrows determinedly.

"It is you who will live if you are lucky, Elf!" the captain stepped forward and pulled off his hood to reveal Faramir.

"Oh my god, it's an ugly person!" said Heather in mock fright.

"Your tongue will not be so bold when it is hewn from your gaping trap!" one of the archers hissed.

Heather in reply stuck her tongue out and wriggled it around defiantly while contorting her face and mouth.

The archer stepped forward, drawing his sword, but Faramir held him back.

"You seem to fear nothing. We will see how you fare after our journey draws to a halt!" he said, "Bind her!"

"Hey!" Heather said as ten large men overpowered her and confiscated her bow, quiver, and dagger, "Ow!" They tied her and blindfolded her.

"Where is your other friend?" demanded Faramir.

"What 'other friend'?" asked Sam.

"Let your lies be on your own head." said Faramir dismissing any further discussion.

Heather used her technique that she often used during 'blind men's bluff' and moved her nose by making it longer and shorter, then she tilted her face up so she could see out of the bottom. What she saw was a hand yanking it back down.

"Anymore of your tricks, Elf, and I will take pleasure in gutting you!" it was the weird archer who seemed to take a particular disliking to her.

She felt another grotty mitt rifling through her small bag.

"Hey. What, ya never heard of personal possessions?" Heather yelled in protest.

She felt her photo album being snatched from her bag.

"Hey is anyone even listening…Ugh!" Heather grabbed the blindfold with her teeth and yanked it down her face till she could see.

There was Faramir, looking mesmerised, staring at the photo album.

"Hey" she said loudly. He looked up, as if jolted out of a reverie, "Do ya mind?"

"What fair maiden is this?" Faramir said in a hazy voice.

"I could tell if I could see her!" Heather grouched.

Faramir turned the book around, his finger resting on a picture of Monica in the park.

"That 'fair maiden' happens to be my…" Heather realised she was supposed to be an Elf. "…half, half sister on my cousin's side, which would make her my uncle's niece's half, half…"

"…sister on your cousin's side." finished Faramir, "How something so pure, so beautiful, so perfect could be related to you is a mystery."

"Hey, watch it…" Heather's protest was cut off by Faramir.

"One of life's tragedies. Men! We carry on!" Faramir turned to go, then turned around and yanked Heather's blindfold back up.

"Hmmph. The nerve," Heather muttered, as she was shoved onwards.

Oli, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn and Monica (who was oblivious to Faramir's lustful thoughts, or to her sister's present condition) had been riding for about an hour, when a large fortress on a hilltop came into sight.

"It's Rohan," said Gimli.

"Yes…" began Legolas, but he got no further, for at that moment a large piece of cloth flew down and hit him smack in the face. "Alright, who threw that!" he yelled.

"No one, Legolas, that happens to be the banner of Rohan. It tore." explained Aragorn.

"I tell you it was a prank! There are obviously some racist people in this village. Too bad Heather isn't here, proclaiming that ridiculous lie that she is my sister! Humbug!" Legolas continued to grumble as he and the others entered into the city gates.

"At least they let us in," commented Oli.

"Yippee," said Moni sourly.

"Oh come on, Moni…"

"I am not coming on! The last thing I need right now is to meet that creep Eomer again." Moni said in protest.

"Monica! Hush! That last thing we need right now is for you to start bad-mouthing Eomer in front of all of these people!" Aragorn grumbled.

"Hey, when some weird old hag starts eyeing you up and constantly saying the word 'lust', then you can talk to me!" Moni said between gritted teeth.

Gimli was snickering and Legolas was giggling.

Moni turned to them, eyebrows raised.

"It's not funny!" she stated.

"Whatever you say," chortled Legolas.

They finally got to the door of the hall of Theoden. They all dismounted and gave their horses to a stable boy as the door was opened and out stepped a large, red-bearded man with three other men.

"I cannot allow you before the king so armed…" his voice trailed off as his eyes fell on Monica.

His eyes went wide and he stammered for a few seconds. Then he snapped back to reality, "By the orders of Grima Wormtongue."

The group eyed each other, then grudgingly began to unsheathe their weapons and hand them in. Oli placed her sword in the man's hands and Legolas was too grouchy about the fact that his bowstring was being twanged by some amateur knight to cackle at the inscriptions.

Moni moved to her belt to get her sword, but the man stopped her, a glazed stare in his eyes.

"This maiden need not be searched, for the only weapon that she possesses needs not be removed- her…intoxicating beauty." he breathed.

Moni gave him her 'what are you trying at, you gross, disgusting, sick, old perv?' look and shoved past him, making sure to stub his toe 'by accident'.

The others followed. Legolas stopped to sourly examine the confiscator of his bow.

The guard looked at his three companions. "She…she touched me!" he said, ensnared, entrapped, "The fair lady of Gondor…she touched me…and I…think it was on purpose!"

"Sure it was! Dream on!" the other guard said, "You know that she is promised in marriage to Haldir of Lorien!"

"It's a pity. She'll be the last to hear about it," grouched Legolas, entering into the hall.

The hall was dark and dingy, and at the end was a large throne with a spoke of light shining down. On it sat King Theoden, as dishevelled as he had been before. Gandalf and the group headed towards the king.

Out from the shadows stepped Grima Wormtongue, as ugly as ever. He approached the King and leant down whispering in his ear.

"Gay. I knew it!" thought Moni triumphantly.

"The welcome of your hall has somewhat lessened of late, Theoden." Gandalf said.

"He's not welcome." whispered Grima.

"Why should I welcome you, Gandalf Storm crow?" the king slurred.

"A just question, my liege. Late is this hour in which this conjurer of arts is come bearing news of no concern. Ill news is an ill guest." At that moment, the team noticed several suspicious-looking men encircling them.

"I want my BB gun," muttered Moni.

"But Moni, all you have to do is use your 'weapon' and they'll drop dead," teased Oli.

Moni eyed her sourly.

Grima's eyes flicked over Oli. "This girl, is she one of my kind?" he said lustfully.

"Keep your forked tongue behind your yellowing teeth, Snake!" said Legolas.

Oli eyed Legolas in shock.

"Well I cannot let Gandalf have all the fun, can I now?" he muttered.

"Hmmph," Oli grunted, still sour that Grima had thought she was like him.

"Be silent!" Gandalf was saying to Grima. "I have not come through fire and death to banter crooked words with a witless worm!" Gandalf held out his staff, and Grima began to quiver.

"His staff! I told you to take his staff!" he yelled, "Seize them!"

The men attacked. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Moni and Oli were ready for them. Legolas punched out and knocked one out. Oli punched one in the jaw, then swung around and hit another one in the face with her elbow. Gimli flipped Grima Wormtongue over, then out his foot on his chest.

"I'd stay very still if I were you!" he growled.

Moni was standing, frustrated.

"Why is no one attacking me?" she whined.

"It's your 'weapon', Monica, remember?" Legolas laughed, as he ducked, then swung at another man.

Finally some poor guy attacked Moni. She blocked his swing, while kicking him in the face at the same time. He collapsed, unconscious.

"That's it? That's all there is?" said Aragorn in disappointment, as he knocked two men's heads together.

They looked around at all the semi-conscious men on the floor. Gandalf had his eyes closed and was trying to draw Saruman out of Theoden.

Suddenly, the king let out a cackle. Gandalf opened one eye and then the other.

"You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey!" he cackled.

At that moment, Eowyn entered the room. Upon seeing Gandalf towering over her uncle, and all the guards beat up on the floor, she rushed forward, but Aragorn restrained her.

"Let me go!" she yelled.

"In a minute, in a minute," grouched Aragorn.

Gandalf threw off his cloak to reveal his brilliantly white clothes.

Saruman (King Theoden) screamed.

"I am Gandalf the White now!" he said, holding forth his staff, "I will draw you, Saruman, as one draws poison from a wound."

With that, he began thrusting his staff forward and backwards erratically.

Oli shook her head, and whispered to Gimli. "Hopeless," only to hear a hiss coming from Grima.

"Keep your tongue to yourself, wormy, or I'll rip it out!" she said loudly, stepping on his shin.

"If I go, Theoden dies," rasped Saruman.

"You could not kill me, You will not kill him," Gandalf insisted.

With one last scream, King Theoden lay still. Then, colour began to return to his cheeks. His hair grew shorter and turned from white to brown, his wrinkles decreased, and his nails shortened. A light came back into his eyes.

"Ok, now you can go," Aragorn let go of Eowyn, who ran forwards and out her arms around Theoden.

"I know your face!" he said, "Eowyn!"

He turned to Gandalf. "Dark have been my dreams of late."

"Your fingers would remember their own strength if they grasped your sword." Gandalf handed Theoden the sheath. He gripped his sword and pulled it out.

"Yeah, yeah, big deal." Oli dashed the reverent silence to pieces, and hauled Grima to his feet roughly, "This is the dude who was keeping you under his spell and all that." she shoved him forward with ultimate satisfaction.

Theoden shoved him outside of the hall, and down the steps. "Your witchcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a dog!" he yelled.

"My Lord, send me not from your side," protested Wormtongue, wiping some blood from his mouth.

"You'll be lucky if being sent from his side is all that happens!" Moni muttered.

"It matters not!" Theoden rushed forward to kill him, when Aragorn held him back.

"No, my lord! Let him go! Enough blood has been spilt on his account."

"Get out of my way!" Grima ran down towards the stables.

"He'd better not take my horse!" said Oli with gritted teeth.

"Your horse, is it now?" queried Moni, raising her eyebrows and stepping forwards, "Eomer gave it to me, remember?"

"Oh, right, you used your 'weapon'." Oli scowled but not as much as Moni.

"Listen, just because I got the good looks of the family doesn't mean you have to get all sour about it." growled Moni, "It's not my fault that everyone's in love with me!"

"Hey, Gimli, Oli! Come and take a look at this." called Legolas.

"Why don't you go…find another victim." suggested Oli before running up the steps.

"Oh ha, ha Oli." said Moni heading up the stairs after her.

Oli looked over to see what was going on when Legolas shoved a document in her face. He pointed to the bottom line.

"And this is…?" said Oli.

Legolas scowled. "Well I knew you had a blank spot where your brain should be but I really didn't think you were that behind. This is only a page from the writings of Middle Earth. Only the incompetent would not know of such writ."

Oli sighed and looked at what he was pointing at. She clearly read;

_As had been customary among my fathers since the beginning of time the fairest ladies of the land are made known so that all may see where such beauty is lain. Fair Galadriel the most beautiful of all the Wood Elf kind. Lady Arwen of Rivendel; fairer than fair be she. Eowyn of Rohan the jewel of the horsemen._

_And now, hidden in the woods of some distant lands and most recent to grace our mortal eyes with her beauty is the fair Mistress Monica. Of Gondor she is believed to be and of little kin and none of royal blood. This is indeed beauty for she is of no descendent to Galadriel…_

That was all that Oli needed to read. She broke out laughing! She very quickly scanned the rest of the document before Monica arrived at the top of the stairs and Legolas quickly crumpled the leaflet behind his back.

"Alright, what's going on?" asked Moni suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing." said Oli in mock innocence discreetly tossing the paper off the veranda.

Legolas looked out as it landed in a decorative pool. "You fool! There was only one of that kind of parchment!" he whispered furiously.

"Then I'll get it later!" Oli did not seem to be bothered. Legolas was steaming.

Moni eyed them suspiciously before a strong gust of wind nearly knocked her over.

"Damn it, it's freaking freezing!" she said stomping her foot, "Why does this place have too be so cold." she pulled the cloak Gimli had graciously loaned her tighter around her and stomped into the house.

"What was Haldir's name doing on that list?" asked Oli.

"You mean you don't know?" said Gimli.

"What, that Haldir's a transvestite?" guessed Oli.

"She doesn't know." laughed Gimli.

"Know what?" insisted Oli.

"Of course she doesn't, trolls can't read Elvish." said Legolas haughtily.

"But…but that doesn't make sense," said Oli.

"What doesn't?" queried Legolas.

"How come you can read it then?" Oli said.

Legolas eyed her stonily.

"Oh, forget it." said Oli storming off, "Me and Moni can throttle it out of Gandalf later."

"Well I wish you the best of luck there, because last I heard he and Aragorn were trying to convince the king to make a stand." Legolas grouched.

"Against what?" Oli said.

"Oh apparently news from the court says that Saruman and Sauron have mustered up an army against Rohan."

"Is that it?" said Oli disappointedly.

"Yes that's it. Probably Uric Hai! They are trained killers!" Gimli fairly yelled.

"So are we," replied Olivia optimistically.

"Yes, we are! But the people of Rohan are not! Their only strength lies in their knights and their horses." Gimli said, standing up.

"Gimli what is this new word, we? Let me get something straight with you, Olivia! There is no 'we', and without me, there wouldn't even be a you! Got that?" he turned to Gimli, "The only people in our group who could actually kill a man would be you, Gandalf, Aragorn and me. Oli and Monica can do nothing." said Legolas sourly.

"Excuse me, Leggy? I could kick your ass any day!" said Moni who had rejoined them, stamping her foot.

"Was that foot for emphasis or for the cold?" retorted Legolas.

"Ugh, both, ok?" Moni rolled her eyes, and turned to go down the steps the garden.

"Hey what's this?" she queried, looking curiously at the parchment that was still floating in the pool.

"Um…nothing, you know, it's probably just one of your many fans sending you a snog through the mail," Oli said frantically, snatching the paper out of the pool, but she needn't have worried.

The water had smudged the ink and the writing was illegible.

"Give it here," Moni demanded, standing on her tiptoes as Oli held the paper up high.

"Children! Cease this squabbling at once!" Gandalf and Aragorn came outside.

"So, when do we leave?" asked Legolas, meaning for war.

"As soon as all are ready." said Gandalf grouchily.

"Very well, and to where do we march?" Legolas demanded.

"To the fortress of Helm's Deep." Aragorn interjected.

"Helm's Deep!" Legolas grouched, "We men should be fighting! The women and the children," he said, looking spitefully at Oli, "should be the ones hiding in some damp, stinking hole!"

"It is not my decision! The king has decided and we cannot change his will, though I am equally upset by his lack of valour. I must ride hard and fast. On the dawn of the third day, look to the East. I will be there. Now I must go." Gandalf swung himself onto his horse and galloped off.

"We make for the fortress of Helm's Deep! Take only what you need! Women, children, and those who are ill first!" a herald was yelling, as the people of Rohan gathered their possessions.

"Well in that case we can leave Legolas and Aragorn behind!" said Moni spitefully.

"Don't forget Moni, women and children first. That means Legolas is coming whether we like it or not." was Oli's equally sour response.

"Well if you are insinuating that I'm child, I assure you that you are quite wrong." said Legolas, "Now get in line with the rest of the children."

"No, I was 'insinuating' that you were female." said Oli as though it were obvious, "And we can't go in line until you do."

"And why would that be?" asked Legolas haughtily.

"Because, if you were listening, the sickly ones go first," Oli shoved him towards his and Gimli's horse.

"So this is it, then is it? This is what the solider was boasting in my ear about the whole trip?" said Heather, as she, Sam and Frodo looked around to see their surroundings.

"This is…a cave." Heather said in disgust, touching the wall only to feel slime ooze off her finger.

Frodo was still nursing his wrists in a sensitive fashion.

"Oh cut it out." said Heather, slapping Frodo's hands down, "We need to find Faramir!" she said deliberately ignoring Frodo, who was giving her a hurt/grouchy look, and holding the offended hand close to his breast.

"No way! I'm tired and I want a bed of my own!" was Frodo's demand.

"Well I'm sorry Frodo, but I really couldn't give a fuck what you want right now, ok? Besides, if you're that tired, just camp out on the floor. What happened to your 'hippie' self?" said Heather.

"Why don't you go jump off the waterfall?" was Frodo whiny response.

"Peace, man," Heather rolled her eyes into her head, made a weird face and held up two fingers in a mock imitation of a drugged-out hippie.

"Oh stop it you two! Heather, stop winding him up," Sam said.

Frodo gave Heather a triumphant smile.

Heather rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. At that moment Faramir approached them with a horde of men.

"Ah, good. I rang the bell, but room service was a little late! Frodo here wants 'a bed of his own'." said Heather.

Frodo was quick to nod.

Faramir rolled his eyes and marched towards Frodo who fell on the floor dramatically and began scooting on his butt and back until he was up against the wall.

"Is he alright…here?" Faramir asked Sam tapping his finger on his head.

"Well he used to be, but now I'm not too sure." said Sam, "He's been doing all sorts of irrational things like shoving people off cliffs and attacking them for no good reason. Why just the other day he…"

"No need." Faramir cut him off holding up his hand, "Seeing as he is not well I'll take the elf." Faramir motioned to the guards who grabbed Heather by the arms.

"Hey!" said Heather, "This isn't fair! Why should I be punished for something Frodo did."

"You are all as guilty as your leader." said Faramir.

"Well in that case you let us go, because we're all innocent! Oh…well, Heather's an exception!" said Frodo sourly

"He's not our leader anyway." said Heather.

"He is not the instigator." said Faramir, "Your group told two falsehoods. One was by you and the other by the fat hobbit."

"What?" said Heather.

"Come with me." Faramir motioned and the guards followed, dragging a struggling Heather along with them.

They came to an exit overhanging a cliff and Heather would have felt certain that they were intending to throw her off if she hadn't seen the familiar form below.

Smeagol was sitting on a rock below happily banging a fish's head onto the rock while singing to himself.

"Is that your fourth companion?"

"Yeah." said Heather, "But you already knew that."

"Well the penalty for fishing in our lake is death." said Faramir motioning for his archers.

"A bit of a stiff penalty don't you think for just catching a fish." said Heather, "I think it's only fair that you stick up a sign of something to give people fair warning."

Faramir prepared his hand for the downwards swoop the would spell certain death for poor Gollum when Heather 'accidentally' stumbled and sent some rocks splashing into the pool.

Smeagol saw the archers and dived under the water faster than you could say 'fissh'.

"Oops." said Heather in mock remorse.

"You will pay for this trickery!" said Faramir lifting her up by the shirt.

"I don't think so." said Heather, shoving his hands off her shirt with a 'you pervert' look. "And what was the other 'lie' we told you by the way?" she asked incredulously.

"It wasn't so much what you said, it was what you didn't say." said Faramir lowering Heather, "You never informed me that the fair maiden whose picture you possessed was in fact Lady Monica of Gondor and that she was promised in marriage to Haldir of Lorien." Faramir dragged Heather inside.

"What the fuck!" said Heather, "If she is promised in marriage she doesn't have a goddamn clue."

"I'm sorry, but could you please speak in plain common tongue for I fail to understand your meaning." said Faramir.

"Ugh! Now I can see where Boromir gets it from." said Heather, "Is that all you wanted me for?"

Faramir looked up. "You knew Boromir?" he said.

"We travelled together…for a while…why?" said Heather

"Yes, who wants to know?" demanded Frodo, getting up off the floor.

"Only his brother." Retorted Faramir, advancing on the squat Hobbit.

"Well where's your proof?" nosed Frodo.

"Right here!" Faramir retracted his fist.

"Alright, you two, cut it out!" Sam went in-between them.

"Sam, you ruined it! And just when it was getting good!" complained Heather

"Now, then. I believe I was in the process of asking you if you knew where my brother was?" Faramir turned to Heather.

"Yeah…no…what was the question again?" Heather dawdled.

"You'll answer or you'll die." Faramir explained curtly explained.

"Well that's not much of a question…for not much of a man." Frodo said lamely.

"Don't tell me you don't know where your own brother is! I mean, anyone with half a brain would know he was last seen in Rivendell!" said Sam.

"But what he was doing there will remain a mystery to all those who's mouths are obviously larger then their…groins!" Frodo yelled spitefully.

Heather raised an eyebrow, "O…k then."


	4. Chapter 4:Journey Too Helms Deep

**CHAPTER**

–**4–**

**Journey too Helms Deep**

The entourage heading towards Helm's Deep had stopped for a break. Legolas rolled his eyes. Gimli had been talking none stop for the last three hours about the glory of the dwarfish empire to Eowyn, who he thought was listening to him, but was obvious to anyone else that she was making eyes at Aragorn. He had been telling stories of wealth and the story of how his cousin Balin had killed the mighty Smaug and miraculously fought off both the goblins and the elves…

"Alright Gimli, that's it." said Legolas, "I have had enough of your fairytales."

"Now Legolas," said Moni, "he was talking about the elves, not fairies; although I can see how you could mix up the two, they do look like each…"

"Oh shut up." Legolas dismissed her with a wave of his hand, "Gimli. I don't know who taught you history but they obviously weren't there."

"Oh, and you were?" said Gimli.

"Yes as a matter of fact I was." said Legolas, "And Smaug was killed by a man from the old lake town down the river from the castle of the king of wood elves. And we elves were actually winning before the goblins showed up." Legolas looked spiteful.

"I don't believe you." said Gimli flatly.

"Believe this." Legolas was about to send the dwarf flying with a knockout punch when Aragorn walked by.

"Gimli, Legolas, stop your squabbling, and get some food! We are going to need it." Aragorn stated, walking over to a rock and sitting down on it, closing his eyes for a quiet moment. He did not see Eowyn approaching him with a pot of stew in her hand. She held it out to Gimli, who took one look at it, and quickly made up an excuse that he was on a diet, so she turned on Aragorn.

"I made some stew." she said, and Aragorn pretended he was asleep.

"Aragorn!" she screamed, kicking his shin, "I said I MADE SOME STEW!"

"Alright, alright! I'm awake!" Aragorn yelled, opening his eyes.

She held out a bowl to him. "It's not much, but it's hot."

"I'm sure it's beautiful!" Aragorn made no attempt to hide the sarcasm in his voice, as he angrily snatched the bowl, and took in at a glance the chunks of raw fish floating around.

"Try it!" prodded Eowyn.

"I am, can't you just give me a moment to prepare myself?!" Aragorn snapped, plugging his nose, and gingerly tilting a chunk of raw flesh into his mouth.

"Well?" she demanded.

" It's…beautiful, like I said!" Aragorn turned green.

"Excellent, have the pot!" Eowyn stuck it down beside him.

"Are there not others yet to eat?" he asked desperately.

"They are all full or dieting! Have it all!" she smiled, and turned to leave.

" 'Have it all, Aragorn'," Aragorn said in whiny tone. He was about to pour the bowl onto the grass when she turned around again.

"My uncle said you rode with Thengel, my grandfather, in battle…is this so?" she queried.

"You're uncle has an excellent memory. He was only a boy at the time." said Aragorn.

"But then…you must be at least 60!" said Eowyn.

"Older then that." Aragorn smiled.

"70…you cannot be 80!" she demanded.

"I am…96!"Aragorn puckered his face into the most disgusting wrinkle imaginable. It was working nicely, he thought.

"You are one of the Dunedain, a direct descendant of Numenor, blessed with unnatural long life!" she said in shock, "Word has been spread that your race had vanished into legend!"

"There are few of us left." Aragorn waved his hand impatiently.

"Amazing!" Eowyn said, "Please, eat!" She motioned towards the stew.

"Um…were you calling me, Legolas?" Aragorn yelled to Legolas desperately.

"No. Go on and eat, Aragorn. You are going to need your strength!" Legolas smiled broadly.

Aragorn scowled.

"What's with him?" asked Moni.

"My half sister's cooking skills, or lack of them." Legolas smiled, but was cut off by some screams coming from the scouts.

He ran over to see what was happening. He saw a large Warg attacking and eating one of the two men sent ahead. He jumped down from the rock and aimed an arrow at the beast. It died with a shriek, throwing its rider to the ground. Legolas pulled out one of his swords and ran towards the rider. There was a squeal as he sliced its head from its body.

Aragorn came running up.

"A scout!" Legolas kicked the body angrily.

Aragorn nodded and ran down the hill, flailing his arm. "Wargs!" he was yelling.

"Eowyn, take the woman and children ahead." instructed Theoden.

"I can fight." protested Eowyn.

"No! You must do this…for me." said Theoden.

Eowyn grudgingly did so.

All the fighters gathered together and drew their weapons.

Oli and Moni balanced themselves onto their horse and drew their elvish swords.

"Shouldn't you be with the women and children?" said Legolas smugly.

"Well we were going to go, but your momma took up all the space!" Moni said.

"Yeah; you see, we're not woman or kids, we come into this unnamed group called 'teens'." said Oli.

"No time for arguing, Legolas. Look!" Aragorn pointed to an oncoming horde of black shapes.

Eowyn was herding all the women and children together. She looked sourly at Moni, to whom she had taken a particular disliking once she found out she was newly on the beauty list and had a permanent tag-along card to Aragorn. Little did she know that Moni would have gladly switched with her as then she would be Eomer's sister and he wouldn't perv on her.

She grabbed the reins of Moni and Oli's horse and began yanking them towards the crowd of women and children.

"Um, excuse me, what are you doing?" Moni demanded.

"You do not have the king's consent to fight in battle!" she yelled, dragging the horse violently.

"Yeah but we have Gandalf's and that's good enough, so move it over." Moni yanked the reins away from Eowyn, and swiftly galloped towards the hill where Legolas had already taken down two of whatever they were fighting, then he grabbed Gimli's reins and hauled himself up onto the horse as they charged.

They met the Wargs head-on and the bloody battle began.

Moni and Oli were having no problem fighting off the beasts with their swords, which were small, compact and easy to use. Eowyn looked jealously behind her as she watched Moni slice through a Warg that was about to attack Aragorn.

"She's is nothing but a show-off, you are the one with royal blood, a true descendant of Theoden, and Galadriel." Eowyn comforted herself, as a frightened mother clinged to her desperately. "Shove off," she pushed her away.

Eowyn did not see the look of utter fury Aragorn gave Moni. "I will not have you interfering in my fights again! If it was not for Gandalf's consent you would be with Eowyn." he said the last word with a snort of disdain.

"Why so sour?" asked Moni, as she kicked a large Warg in the face.

"Because that woman is stalking me! Night and day I have no peace from her advances!" Aragorn complained.

"You think that you have it rough? I have her older brother Eomer perving on me all the time! Not to mention all the guards and Theoden even gave me a dress!" Moni said in distress.

"Theoden gave you a dress?" asked Legolas between snickers.

"Yes, a really nice one. He said it belonged to Galadriel at one point but then said something about how all the fair women of Middle Earth should have one…whatever that means." Moni seemed to want to end the conversation. But Legolas didn't.

"So about this dress…when are you going to wear it for us?" he shouted over the throng of battle, as he steered his and Gimli's horse through the fray, slicing down creatures left and right.

Moni opened her mouth to scream 'never', when Aragorn rode through.

"Legolas, Monica, this is no time for idle prattle!" he yelled.

Monica settled for mouthing 'never' to Legolas, who in turn gave her a weird look: he scrunched up the top corners of his mouth, scrunched up his nose, raised his eyebrows, widened his eyes, and shook his head.

Moni rolled her eyes and kicked a rider off his Warg, only to get a cut in her leg from his ultra sharp teeth.

"Damn it that was my best karate suit!" she yelled angrily, slicing the head off the rider.

Several knights were already among the growing number of dead and dying corpses.

Suddenly Aragorn charged through once again, yelling "Elendil!" at the top of his lungs, causing Legolas and Gimli's horse to rear up and neigh. Legolas managed to hold on, but Gimli's hefty frame slid right off.

"Hey…Legolas, slow down…let me get back on…"Gimli began to head towards the horse, but Legolas quickly veered it off in the opposite direction, screaming, "Do not fear, Gimli, I will return for you…sometime next month." He muttered the last bit under his breath, leaving Gimli to rough it on his own.

"Damned chicken liver." muttered Gimli.

A Warg rider tore his dagger into Aragorn's horse's side, causing it to rear up again, and Aragorn to tumble off.

He regained his composure quickly, and looked around for another animal to mount. He saw the rider who had so generously stabbed his horse in the ass, and lunged as he rode past, grabbing his leg.

The Warg rider slashed out fiercely, but Aragorn saw it coming…for once. He swung up onto the back, dodging the blow and kicking the rider in the stomach.

The Orc grabbed his necklace as he fell off, and Aragorn slashed at his neck angrily.

Aragorn turned his head just in time to see a steep drop-off. He desperately tried to veer the dumb animal away, but it was too late, and he plummeted off the cliff.

"So let me get this straight…where are you taking us again?" Heather protested, as she struggled to keep pace with Faramir, who was holding her tied hands with some sick form of relish.

"To Gondor, to use the Ring of Power as a weapon against the Nazgul…and to kill Frodo, if the King will allow it." said Faramir.

"You mean steward, don't you?" said Frodo sourly.

"Excuse me?" Faramir turned to him.

"Well, like it or not, your father is technically the steward of Gondor…not the king." Frodo grouched.

"I would suggest you silence your tongue, unless you want it hacked from your mouth!" yelled Faramir angrily.

"Can you just take a chill pill, Faramir?" Heather said, "In fact, I have one in my bag, just…just let me get it!" Heather was of course referring to her pack of sleeping pills she had brought (for Mike, as no one, not even Noah, wanted him around!).

"Nice try. I refuse to try your Elf poisons! Who knows, I could end up looking like Frodo!" Faramir patted Heather on the head patronisingly.

"Well that would do you a lot of good!" Frodo said sourly.

"Yeah right, Frodo. Everyone knows you have a neck as thick as your head!" Heather said.

"Well you have a head as thick as your…your…THIGH!" said Frodo lamely.

"I am not dignifying your pathetic insults with a response." Heather said, as they were shoved closer and closer to Gondor.

"Faramir, the Ring is dangerous! If you take that to Gondor then you're all going to die! Why don't you just let Sam and I take the Ring, and we'll leave, and just to satisfy you, you can kill Frodo. How's that for a deal?" Heather offered.

Faramir ignored her.

"Fine, just don't blame me if you end up like Boromir."

Faramir stopped the troop, "So you do know what happened to him!"

"No, no, no, not exactly. But…he was travelling with Frodo." Heather said cryptically.

"And…?"pressed Faramir.

"Now he's a 'missing person'." Heather finished.

"Missing, presumed dead!" corrected Frodo sourly.

Faramir gave Frodo a shove, "Keep moving. We are in sight of Osgiliath!"

"Big deal." muttered Frodo grouchily.

They approached Osgiliath, which was made up of largely broken stone buildings. There were a large number of Orcs across a lake, and there were archers firing on them. There were soldiers running all around the city, and smoke was billowing from certain towers.

"That's Osgiliath?" Sam said.

"Not much of a change from the gloomy cliffs of Minas Morgul." Heather mumbled.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! I have no need for you!" Faramir drew his sword, when suddenly a scrawny shape jumped from the foliage and onto Faramir, knocking him off balance.

Heather tore her threadbare ropes (which she'd been cutting with an arrowhead she'd collected from the cave earlier), and twisted Faramir's sword out of his hand, holding it to his chin.

Smeagol jumped off from his back, and bit savagely into his leg.

"Our friend! She saved us, she did! And we'll not let tricksy, cruel men kill her, will we precious?" he yelled.

Faramir screamed, and kicked his leg, sending Smeagol flying into the bushes.

All of his men were pointing their swords and arrows at Heather. The only reason they had not grabbed her was because the point of the sword was almost cutting Faramir's neck, and it was too close. Heather was seriously upset. Faramir had been nothing but brutal to her ever since they'd met.

She had one chance and if she played her cards right, they all might get out of this thing before Frodo went and nearly got them all killed.

Smeagol came pouncing back, and kicked Faramir's knee viciously. "Tricksy, false men!" he muttered.

Faramir eyed his sword point cautiously. Heather pressed it a little harder, and broke skin.

"You know, I think you've had it in for me all this time. Well guess what? I'm sick of it! So why don't you let me and Sam go, and you can console yourself and kill Frodo." she said.

Faramir smiled. Who did this little Elf think she was talking to?

"I have a better proposition for you. You give me my sword back, and I'll put in a good word for you, Sam, AND Smeagol with my father when you are taken before him. How's that for a proposal?"

"I like mine better." Heather responded.

"Well I don't approve of either. It seems like I'm thrown the rough end of both!" Frodo whined.

"You'll die either way!" Heather and Faramir said at the same time.

"Then I hate you. I HATE YOU!" Frodo burst into sour tears, and ran off.

"Stop him!" yelled Faramir.

All of his men, Sam, and Smeagol went running after Frodo, leaving Heather and Faramir alone.

Faramir used the temporary distraction to pull out one of his daggers and hold it to Heather's throat, breaking her skin.

"That's for my neck," he smiled, only to look down, as Heather stubbed his toe hard, crunching it.

"And that's for mine." she retorted in return.

"My arm is stronger then yours, I could be here all day." Faramir informed Heather.

"Well mines not weighed down with five tons of armour, so I could too ." she responded.

"We caught him without much difficulty, sir." said his men, returning holding a sour-faced Frodo, his knee covered in dirt, the only noticeable sign of any slight skirmish.

Suddenly his face changed, and he looked up, with his eyes rolled up into his head.

"They're here." he said in a weird voice, "They've come."

At that moment, a large shriek tore through the air. "Nazgul!" yelled Faramir.

Smeagol ran and hid in a nearby bush. Heather and Faramir looked at each other .

"I call a temporary truce," he said.

"Well so do I!" Heather agreed, and the two ran towards Osgiliath along with the others, and a reluctant Frodo who was dragged along.

"AAAARRRRAAAGGGOOORRRRNNNN!!!" a piercing shriek tore through the battlefield.

"If I didn't know better I would think Frodo was here!" said Legolas looking around for some one else to kill and not finding any.

"Ha!" exclaimed Moni, "It's Eowyn. Hopefully she'll follow Aragorn off the cliff."

"Want to give her a hand?" suggested Legolas with a smile.

"Legolas, I wonder what would happen if I told Theoden or perhaps…Eomer?" said Moni.

"Theoden would reward you with another dress for your loyalty and Eomer…" Legolas bobbed his eyebrows.

"Ha!" said Moni shocked, "Not in a million years!"

Legolas just laughed.

Eowyn ran towards the cliff and looked over.

"Eowyn!" called Gimli without warning and Eowyn jerked, falling over the side, her dress catching on the rocks and leaving her dangling.

"Oops." said Gimli looking over the edge, "Um, hang on." a huge smile formed on his face, "Legolas will come and get you in a minute!"

"Where's Aragorn?" asked Oli walking up to the edge. She had been knocked off her horse, "He fallen already?"

"I don't know…and what do you mean already?" said Gimli.

"Well…he…always was kinda clumsy." Oli said quickly.

"I don't know" said Gimli, he looked down at Eowyn who was still hanging by her skirt, "Don't worry, Legolas will be here in a minute…Legolas! The lady requires your 'elvish talent'."

Legolas seethed.

"Well hurry up and help her before she falls." said Theoden quickly.

"The ugly one over there should know what happened." hinted Oli pointing to the Goblin who was now barely alive.

"Did you see what happened to the guy that just went by here? You know, dirty, ugly, long hair, stinks of horse?" said Oli to the Goblin.

"Yes, he took a little tumble off the cliff..." the Goblin laughed, a revolting gargle sound, then swiftly died.

Oli snatched the necklace from the dead Goblin's hand and pocketed it. Aragorn would have to pay good money if he wanted it back.

Legolas arrived back over the cliff's edge puffing and panting and holding a struggling Eowyn. His usually immaculately brushed hair was fritzled and his face was splattered in mud.

"Eowyn, what in gods name are you doing here? I told you specifically to go with the women and children." seethed Theoden, "Just you wait until Eomer hears of this!"

"I may be a woman but I can fight and I intend too." she said dusting her clothes off unaware that there was huge tear down the back of her dress.

"Damn what a sight." said Legolas, "I would not be in Aragorn's position for all of the women in Lorien." Legolas reached into his pocket, "Where are they?" he panicked.

Moni smiled, patting the elvish cleaning wipes she had pocketed in exchange for his foul comment earlier.

"Having trouble finding something?" she said wryly.

"Yes I am!" Legolas said, fixing his hair and slathering it in some weird sticky substance.

"So that's your secret! Sap!" roared Gimli, who was still grouchy about the fact that Legolas hadn't let him back on the horse.

"Yes, that and washing." Legolas said snidely, looking down at the grimy, sweaty, stinky Dwarf.

Gimli narrowed his eyes.

Moni let out a shriek as she felt a hand reach down into her back pocket and rummage around. She jumped and turned around, to see Legolas holding up the wipes.

"I knew it all along." he said, wiping the mud away with one miraculous sweep.

"Damn those are good!" said Oli, "Can I have one? I got Orc-blood all over my arm and it stinks!"

"Fat chance, as Heather would say." was all Legolas had to say, not even bothering to look up from where he was getting the last bits of twig out of his hair.

Oli grumbled, and then she remembered Heather. She wondered if Faramir had caught them yet, or even if they had reached Gondor by now. She just hoped this thing went along according to the story, or else not only would they be trapped in Middle Earth, but they'd most likely be killed or end up in slave labour for the rest of their lives, especially with Duri around. Then again, Monica would be just peachy. She'd find favour in Saruman's and perhaps even Sauron's eyes, and would soon become a chief member of their little circle, being showered with lavish tokens of affection from both parties. Oli rolled her eyes- that would be Monica. She'd probably even get back to Earth, being tight with Saruman and all.

Her musings were interrupted by an angry and frustrated scream from Legolas as he had finally realised Aragorn had fallen off the cliff.

"I don't believe this!" he yelled.

Theoden stood with him, looking over the cliff. "Get the wounded on horses!" he said, "The Warg riders will return. Leave the dead."

Legolas looked at him in angry disbelief. Theoden patted him the shoulder. Legolas shrugged his hand off and turned to go.

"Well, this is all your fault." he said to Monica in frustration.

"Ha! My fault, is it now? How do you figure that?" she demanded, as they rounded up what was left of the knights and continued on, since Theoden had ordered them to 'leave the dead'.

"If Aragorn hadn't been so enamoured with your charms, he wouldn't have ridden off of a cliff. I'll wager you put some sort of spell on the man!" said Legolas.

"Bah," said Moni dismissively, "You're the Elf here. Don't blame me if your fingers slipped while you were trying to topple Eowyn off her feet using some weird chant. Rimmonee mini manasa de farsa…"Moni tangled her fingers together in front of Legolas' face.

He slapped them down, irritated. "Keep those away from me, you never know where they've been." he grouched, as they remounted their steeds and continued galloping.

"The only one whose fingers are in doubt right now are Frodo's. Not mine!" Moni retorted.

"Enough of this idle prattle!" yelled Gimli.

"Careful, Gimli. You're sounding like Aragorn now!" shouted Legolas over the pounding of horse hooves.

"Well, maybe so! Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself! You and Moni are behaving like two young Juveniles!" Gimli roared in his ear.

"Speaking of Juveniles, Heather must be nearing Mordor by now…if she's still alive. That vicious delinquent wouldn't last five seconds out there without a sensible head like Sam's." yelled Legolas.

"You're forgetting Frodo's strong arm," screamed Oli sourly.

"And his good looks, which I'd say has gotten them far by now!" interjected Moni.

"Eh?" yelled Legolas.

"Never mind!" said Moni.

"No, no. I just thought I heard something about Frodo being good looking." said Legolas.

"She was being sarcastic you dweeb." said Oli, "The only one who thinks Frodo is good looking is Sauron who seems so desperate to get his hands on him. I guess he likes his men young and 'tight'."

Legolas put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from bursting out laughing as Theoden rode by.

"Your companion just died and many more may yet. Right now is no time for laughing and revelry." said Theoden crossly.

"Great, a mini Aragorn." mumbled Moni.

"I know, I miss him too. He was a good man" said Theoden who had only caught the last word.

"Ugh" Legolas rolled his eyes while Theoden wasn't looking.

"Now there is no time to grieve for your lover." Theoden patted Moni on the shoulder.

"Woah, woah! Hold on! You've got it all wrong." said Moni disgusted.

"Well that's what Eowyn told me." Theoden seemed confused.

"Well Eowyn's got it all wrong." said Moni taking his hand off her shoulder.

Legolas couldn't resist it this time and burst out into fits of laughter.

Moni grabbed some mud mixed with sweat from her horse's side and rubbed it in Legolas' face.

Legolas was shocked for a moment and then backhanded Moni.

Theoden gasped and sounded as though he was going to have a heart attack, "Never, never master elf, strike a lady across the face!"

Moni took out her sword and cut a small lock from Legolas' hair with a smile of satisfaction on her face.

"How dare you!" Legolas was angry almost beyond words.

"Oops." said Moni gleefully.

"**OOPS!**" Legolas bellowed.

He reached over and grabbed Moni, throttling her.

"Alright, cut it out." Oli hit Legolas on the head with the hilt of her sword and Legolas let go.

Moni nursed her neck grouchily.

"Are you okay?" asked about four riders one after the other to Moni.

"Yes god damn it! I'm fine!" she bellowed at the last unfortunate one.

Legolas was mumbling to himself in elvish and braiding the hair back into his hair in small portions.

"Look! The fortress of helms deep!" announced Theoden.

"Oh goodie." droned Oli.

"Well hurry up and get in so that you two don't cause any more unnecessary problems." snapped Legolas.

"It was you, not she, who hit Monica!" reminded Theoden

"Would you two cut it out." snapped Moni.

Theoden opened his mouth to snap back but then bowed his head, "As you wish Lady Monica."

"Just Monica. She's not a lady of anything but the gutter." said Legolas who was still sour about the hair incident.

"What sort of a name is Monica anyway?" asked Gimli ignoring Legolas' comment.

"It means 'one who gives advice' though I can't see how that applies any more as her fashion sense had gone totally haywire." said Oli.

"I have little to say about either of your fashion senses." said Legolas snidely, "Trousers on human women just don't go. They make your legs look fat. Especially such tight ones as you wear."

"I wouldn't talk about trousers!" said Moni looking down at Legolas' elvish leggings.

"These were tailor made by the best in the world!" said Legolas offended, "But I wouldn't expect you to know that."

"Well then Middle Earth is in desperate need of fashion aid." said Oli, "Everyone knows leggings when out like twenty years ago. Cargos and baggy pants are what's happening."

"I have no intention of 'wearing' cargo in any shape or form. And as for baggy pants; if they don't fit you then you should have them taken in." Legolas looked up snidely.

"Hopeless." Moni shook her head, "Just like this. You guys haven't even got any kind of battle strategy."

"Why not leave the thinking to the men. Do not trouble your selves with such problems." said Theoden dismounting.

The others followed.

"Are you suggesting I'm not as smart as you?" said Moni crunching her fist inside her hand in a mock threatening gesture.

"Yes." said Legolas.

"Legolas, not in front of the lady." said Theoden, "We only care for your safety. Perhaps it would be better if you went into the shelter with the other women and children."

"How about nooo Scot." said Oli.

"Theoden!" he corrected.

"Whatever your name is." said Oli, "We're not going into the shelter while you pull some puny twelve year old guys whose ass we could kick with our arms tied behind our back and have them fight the Orcs instead of us. And besides, you know perfectly well we need every man we've got."

"Why?" asked Theoden, "The worst Saruman can throw at us on such short notice would be a couple thousand and the most."

"I'd say more like ten thousand." whispered Oli so as the crowd wouldn't hear.

"Nonsense. He could never produce an army like that." said Legolas.

"We have our connections which suggest otherwise." said Moni.

"Spies?" said Legolas, "Not even we elves could get a spy in under Saruman's watchful eyes."

"Duri overheard two Orcs talking about an army of ten thousand hidden near Isenguard." Oli cooked up in a quiet voice.

"And you have proof of this." said Theoden seriously.

"You have our word." said Moni.

"A trolls word means nothing." snorted Legolas.

"But a lady's does." snapped Theoden, "We will discuss more of this in the main hall." He turned and headed up the steps motioning for them to follow.

Moni stuck out her tongue in Legolas' direction and he seethed.

"The main hall is no place for a 'lady'. She and Olivia must join Eowyn with the women and children and there needs be no further discussion!" Legolas grouched.


	5. Chapter V: Battle errrrrrrr… Plans

CHAPTER

–5–

Battle errrrrrrr…. Plans

"Well it's about time!" grouched Duri as Treebeard emerged from the crowd of Ents, "When do we march?"

"We…have…decided…that…you…are…not…Orcs." said Treebeard a little slower then was necessary.

"A…eh…um…what?" stammered Duri, "Both we and Gandalf already told you that."

"But…we…needed…to…be…sure." slurred Treebeard.

"Well get back there and tell the stiffies that we need to attack Saruman or else everything's going to be ruined." snapped Duri.

"That…would…take…a…very…long…time…to…say…in…Entish." slurred Treebeard.

"Well then you'd better start saying it." Duri had already taken on the domineering look she had inherited from her mom and the 'I'm saying how much I love you but in real life I'd like to rip your guts out' tone of voice from her dad.

"Don't…be…hasty."

"Hit the road, bucko! Now!" Duri yelled.

Treebeard didn't quite know what to say and in the end turned and headed back to the gathering.

"Woah, Duri." Pippin patted her on the back.

"I know." Duri smiled then turned to them, "Let's make a pact. If we get through this we'll form a gang."

"What? Like in the robbing, pillaging type?" said Merry confused.

"No dick head as in a 'gang' a gang of friends. We look out for each other and we all pass an initiation test." Duri rolled her eyes.

"Um, okay." said Pippin.

"Right then, pact." Duri spat on her hand and held it out to them.

"Gross. There is noo way I am eating your saliva." said Pippin.

"Ugh. You spit in your hands and then we slap them together? Ever heard of it?" Duri was looking visibly frustrated.

"Fine, if we must." Marry and Pippin spat in there hands and then they all slapped hands in a slimy high five.

"Oh and what may I ask is the initiation test?" Pippin queried.

"You'll find out when we're back in Rohan!" stated Duri.

* * * *

"You know Aragorn is taking a bit longer then usual to get back, do you think that maybe something's happened to him?" queried Gimli to Oli while Theoden was having a heated discussion with Eowyn about her wanting to fight.

"Nah, he'll be fine. He's probably just trying to throw Eowyn off his scent." said Oli, "Either that or making himself look good for the battle. You know, the whole dirty, wet, sweaty thing that's supposed to be appealing."

Legolas rolled his eyes, "Must we have tolerate such senseless prattle?"

"Pipe down or fall down Leggy-arse." said Moni.

Gimli and Oli burst out laughing and Theoden and Eowyn stopped their quarrelling and looked up.

Moni however didn't have time to laugh as Legolas punched her in the face for the second time that day. She did a summersault over the back of her seat and landed on the floor.

The male population of the room minus Gimli and Legolas were at her side in an instant.

There was a bruise forming on Moni's cheek. "I'm going to have a bruise you bitch!" Moni seethed.

"Kill him Moni." said Oli.

Moni grabbed her chair and hit Legolas with it and then pounded with her fist on his shoulder blade. She then grabbed him thumb and began bending it backwards.

Legolas kicked Moni in an attempt to make her let go but the Roherim pulled them apart.

"Never strike a lady Legolas." said Theoden calmly as Eowyn looked on smugly.

"Oh and why not?" seethed Legolas.

"She had it coming uncle." said Eowyn sourly.

"I don't get what your deal is. It's not like it was all that big an insult anyway." said Oli.

"You have no idea what the insult of an Elf's honour will make him do!" said Gimli, looking furiously at Legolas, who was beginning to look slightly apologetic, but no less defiant.

* * * *

"Frodo, get…back!" Heather pulled Frodo by the neck back to where his pillar was as he attempted to go out to the Nazgul, which was landing on top of the wall.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled sensitively, shoving her off him and twisting her to the ground, pinning her under his hefty Hobbit weight and holding Sting to her neck.

Heather reached up her feet from behind Frodo, twisting her feet around his neck and pulling him off of her, sitting up in a blind rage.

Sam ran over and pulled Frodo away from her, "Stop it you two! You'll kill each other!"

"That…was…my intent!" Heather said furiously.

Frodo just whined about his neck.

At that moment, the Nazgul swooped towards them. It had seen Frodo when he had attempted to go to him and had come for the Ring. Its claw reached down, smashing through a battlement, almost crushing Faramir, who had ran over to see what had happened. He looked up at Heather with hate in his eyes!

"This is all your fault! You've led it right to us!" he yelled, drawing his sword

" What? Me?! It was Frodo who…alright, you know what? That it! I've had enough! Days spent being tormented by Frodo, nights spent being kept awake by Frodo, and now I'm being blamed for his faults? No thank you! I'd be better off in Isenguard!" Heather stood up. "I'm leaving!" she grabbed her bag and began storming out of Gondor.

"Come back here this instant!" Faramir ordered.

" What, so you can kill me before that thing does? Fat fucking chance!" Heather broke into a run, dodging arrows from Faramir on her way out. "I thought I might be able to help, but now I've just about had it. I can't hang around if Faramir's just going to kill me! If they want the ring destroyed then they'd better get their act together. I know Rohan is somewhere east of here and I'm going even if I have to walk every step of the way. Besides, if I don't go, Faramir will probably kill me as well as Frodo!"

Heather pulled out the scribbled map of middle earth that she had swiped while in Lorien. "Elvish! Bloody good this does me." she was obviously in quite a mood.

But elvish or not it would have to do for now.

* * * *

"This splinter is deep! I cannot believe that you refused me aid, Theoden! I was attacked too!" seethed Legolas, pulling a splinter out of his hand with his elvish tweezers.

"That was only after you hit her first." said Oli, "And you're lucky the Rohirrim pulled her back when they did or else you would have a broken thumb."

"This type of behaviour from a woman would not be tolerated in Lorien for one instant." said Legolas.

"That's funny, Galadriel seems to be able to do any damn thing she pleases!" muttered Oli.

"What?" said Legolas, looking up furiously at the mention of his mother.

"Ah nothing," Oli shrugged, adding to Legolas' annoyance.

Theoden was still looking at him crossly as Moni held a self-made ice pack on her bruised cheek and scowled at Legolas viciously.

Just then the doors burst open and in stepped a dirty, stinky, sweaty Aragorn.

"Yep, and exactly…" Oli looked at her watch, "6 hours to the minute! Pay up!" Oli held out her hand to Gimli.

"I never should have trusted that confounded time-telling device of yours!" Gimli growled, handing Oli five coins.

Legolas seemed pleased to see Aragorn. He approached him with a smile.

"_Near torlis_," he said, then he looked him up and down; "You look terrible!" He handed Aragorn a cleansing wipe, which he took eagerly and wiped most of the dirt from his face.

Just then Eowyn came running in.

"No, no and NO! I am not in the mood!" Aragorn fairly yelled, his face filled with terror.

Looking hurt, she burst into tears and fled.

"Was it necessary to be so harsh?" Legolas said, giving Aragorn a disapproving glare.

Aragorn opened his mouth angrily to protest, then shut it as he saw what was going on, "What did I miss?"

"Moni insulted Legolas' honour so he hit Moni and a fight broke out." explained Gimli.

"Ha! Well then you are hardly one to talk about severity, Legolas! And I bring urgent news A mighty host marches this way…ten thousand at least." announced Aragorn.

"And that'll be the rest of it, Gimli!" said Oli triumphantly.

"Now that's not fair! I have no more then twenty Groats left on me!" protested Gimli.

"Fine, I'll reduce it to 8, but the other two will need to be paid in favours!" Oli acquiesced.

"How far away are they?" asked Theoden.

"About a two days march." said Aragorn.

"Ten thousand." Theoden repeated the number in awe.

"Now, at last the severity of the situation hits you! We send for help from Eomer at once!" said Gandalf.

"Go. May your journey be swift but I fear you will arrive too late." Theoden sank back into his chair.

Gandalf hurried out followed by Aragorn.

Theoden motioned for his aid to step forward, "Summon every man and boy that can carry a sword and have them ready for battle."

"What? So you're going to have little ten year old boys hurtling swords but you're going to leave perfectly skilled girls to stay down in the shelter?" said Oli.

"A women's place is not at the battle field." said Theoden.

"But…that's not fair." said Moni, "The way I see it you're wasting perfectly able bodied fighters."

Theoden smiled politely at Monica, "I am in no mood for an argument, Lady Monica! If you wish, I grant you permission to collect as many able bodied females as you wish and form a contingent under your command."

Moni smiled triumphantly at Legolas who scowled.

"Provided that Eowyn is not among them!" Theoden added.

"Fine by me!" Moni reassured him.

* * *

well how was it

comment pls


	6. Chapter 6:Girl Power

CHAPTER

–6–

Girl Power

Oli and Moni were going through the town along with Aragorn and Legolas who were collecting male fighters.

"Aragorn, I do not see why they should be allowed to fetch women to fight along side us." grouched Legolas, "They will only be a burden."

" Legolas, _hasufel andrindi nemara! Nather daga thyer_." Aragorn said.

"Excuse me? I assume when you say they are all going to die you are referring to either the Orcs or yourselves." Oli said, "Because only _Na__ther daga thyer_!"

Legolas looked at her blankly before saying, "Your pronunciation is terrible. But I must admit I didn't expect a troll like you to understand elvish, let alone be able to master it."

"I learnt it off my half brother's aunt's niece." said Oli.

"Heather?" guessed Aragorn.

"Who else?" snapped Moni.

" Please do not mention that…thing." said Legolas, "So, since you speak elvish I assume you understood about the swords then?" said Legolas.

"…Yeah of course." Oli lied.

"So the swords; it's okay with you?" said Gimli.

"Um…I'm still thinking about it." said Oli.

"What? What's okay! I wan…I demand to know!" snapped Moni.

"Hurry, hurry. You must collect women if you intent to rival our score." said Gimli.

"Cheeky," she muttered.

"I wouldn't waste your time. You'll not be fighting any way." insisted Legolas.

"The king has spoken and it is his decision. I dare not speak against it" said Aragorn.

"Yeah Legolas. We're going to be fighting so just get over it." said Oli

Legolas looked at her snidely then turned to Aragorn. "Aragorn, I have had it! Go and tell the King these women will not be fighting! _Si balnor, nor kira_." said Legolas.

"I see no purpose in that, Legolas. Besides, who knows, they could yet prove some small worth!" Aragorn stated, singling out a fourteen-year-old runt.

"This is madness!" protested Legolas, "This child could not even be a match for Heather, let alone a full-grown Uruk Hai!"

"We have no choice! He will have to do!" Aragorn stated, shoving the boy in the direction of the battlements.

"When did Gandalf say he would return with Eomer?"

"First light on the fifth day." said Aragorn, "Why?"

"Aragorn, _nat norwenas._" said Legolas his ears pricking up.

"What?" said Aragorn.

"Shhh." Legolas cut him off, "Someone…toe first and then sole…I recognise those footsteps. What in gods name is Haldir doing here?" Legolas took off towards the gate.

Just then the sounds of elvish horns reached their ears.

"Yeah it's blondie alright." said Oli, "With any luck he and Eomer can kill each other fighting over you." she cast a sly smile to Moni.

"Hey, it's not my fault that everyone is under some weird impression I'm attractive." snapped Moni, "And besides; I think you're jealous."

"Of who, Eomer?" said Oli, "Theoden? I don't think so."

"No just that everyone's looking at me and no one's looking at you." Moni joked, smoothing her hair down.

"Well before Haldir gets here and falls in love with you I have a plan." said Oli, "How many girls did you get so far?"

"Three hundred volunteers but I think most of them are crap. Of course Eowyn was among them." said Moni.

"Well I hope you told her Theoden flatly refused to let her fight. And I think Aragorn had something against it too. Now then, we'd best start sorting through them then. Our recruits have to be better then Legolas'." said Oli.

By the end of the day they were left with roughly one hundred girls all equipped in armour and ready to fight.

"Why can I not fight?" Eowyn screamed, hurtling a pot at Gimli, who had gotten the unfortunate task of telling her.

It had originally been Aragorn's job, but he had insisted on drawing lots with Gimli and Legolas.

"Because Theoden has forbidden it! Now if you do not mind going down to the shelter I shall be most obliged…" Gimli was cut off by another roar from Eowyn as a brick whizzed past his ear.

"I shall not lie in wait for my death while those two whores are fighting side by side with Arag…" she stopped, but knew she had already said too much.

"Whores?" Gimli roared in anger, "If there is one and only whore in Helm's Deep it is you, Eowyn, daughter of Eomund! I've seen you, sniffing around in the soldiers' tents when you think no one is watching you! And just the other day you stole Aragorn's pillow!"

Eowyn was wide-eyed, "I did no such thing!"

"Come off it, you did so! Sniffing it every night is my best guess of the horrors you inflict upon it, but I will think no more before I become queasy! You are staying here! Get used to it!" Gimli stormed off in a huff, dodging another pot that came with a shriek.

* * * *

"Shhh. We need to be really quiet." whispered Monica as she and ten of the selected girls crept towards the gate.

"Why must we…"

"Shh." Oli cut the girl off sharply, "It should be about here."

She pushed on a section of the wall and the door opened just to the left of the gate out side of the castle. Their judgement of the exact location of the door Gimli and Aragorn were going to use later had been right.

"Why do we have to be secretive?" asked the same girl.

"Because we don't want anyone to know." said Moni through gritted teeth.

Soon they had climbed down the ravine and were standing on the soggy grass that would be tomorrow's battlefield.

"Right there." pointed Moni, "That's the rock the commander stands on."

"Okay, get the stuff out and let's get started." Oli pulled a sack of oil off her back and the other girls took out barrels and packs of tar and oil and began pouring it all over the field.

When they were finally done the laborious task, they crept quietly up the ravine, every now and then a little gasp from one of the women as she caught her skirt or slipped on the mud. They had just opened the gate when they walked smack into Eowyn, her eyes burning with hate.

"Shh…" Moni began but it was too late.

Eowyn's mouth widened and all she got out was a muffled yell before Oli and three of the girls shoved their fists into her mouth.

"Lets hurry! Legolas will have definitely heard that!" insisted Moni.

Sure enough, Legolas, Haldir, Aragorn and another soldier came running down the steps.

"What in Elendil's name is going on here?" Haldir began, but stopped when he saw Moni, who thought for only a split second before collapsing dramatically on the floor and clutching her arm.

"Are you alright?" queried Haldir, as he and Aragorn rushed to her side.

Even Legolas seemed mildly concerned.

Eowyn pulled away furiously, "I caught this group sneaking around outside the fortress! When I moved to call for help they surrounded me and shoved their fists in my mouth!"

Legolas couldn't resist a snicker, but quickly covered it up in a throat-clearer.

"Monica appears to be in pain? What happened?" Haldir asked.

"It was Eowyn! We were on our way to the armoury when she attacked us…Ahhh!" Moni moaned dramatically.

"It's true! She lashed out at me, and Monica stood in my way and was hurt!" lied another one of the women.

"She was more then likely angry at us because we were allowed to fight and she wasn't!" piped in Oli.

"Liars, all of them!" Eowyn yelled hoarsely.

But Aragorn was all for it (probably because of his utter loathing towards Eowyn).

"It has a ring of truth to it! See these marks?" he said, holding up Moni's sleeve, which had a large dirty handmark on it (which was of course from where she had been holding it).

"It is totally ludicrous! The lady Eowyn would never…" the soldier did not finish his sentence and Legolas swung his fist up over his shoulder and hit the man in the nose, with a big smile on his face.

"I propose that for her own safety Eowyn be escorted down to the chamber with the other women and children!" suggested Oli.

"An excellent idea!" Legolas and Aragorn were quick to agree with the idea.

"I refuse to acquiesce to your demand!" she yelled.

"No choice in the matter is given to you!" said Aragorn, grinning as Haldir and Legolas hauled a screaming Eowyn to the chamber.

"You were never really hurt, were you?" asked Aragorn helping Moni up.

"No…of course not." she said, shocked.

"I had assumed as much!" Aragorn said, "But at least she is out of the way, and I thank you for that. Seems like you came in some use after all."

"Course I did! I'm a genius, remember?" Monica reminded Aragorn.

"Aragorn, she is…deposited." Legolas and Haldir returned, both of their neatly done hair messed up, and their faces bruised. Haldir had a twig in his hair. Apparently Eowyn did not want to go.

Aragorn let out a laugh, " _Near Torlis! _I wonder what Theoden would have to say about this."

"He will not find out, because nobody will tell him!" Haldir stated, as he and Legolas both produced packets of sap and cleansing wipes.

"We have to get to the armoury, Gimli is waiting for us." Legolas motioned for Aragorn.

Oli and Monica started forward, but the soldier, who had just come to, stopped them.

"If the lady does not fight, you do not fight." he growled, blood dripping from his nose.

"Pipe down, chachi!" Oli shoved him with her shoulder as she walked past, causing him to fall down again, then to be trampled by the women.

* * *

comments before the next chap wooould be nice


	7. Chapter VII: That Damn Elf

CHAPTER

–7–

That Damn Elf

The armoury was full of old or extremely young men, all either far too old or far too young, and they looked about as happy as Ents that were being felled.

"Farmers, ferriers, stable boys," Aragorn looked around and shook his head, "These are not soldiers."

"Most have seen too many winters," Gimli commented, staring at one particularly old man who was shaking his walking stick at one of the men.

"Or too few," added Legolas, looking over at a boy of about 13 who looked around 10 and was far too skinny to fit the armour that he had been given. "Look at them," he said to Aragorn. "They're frightened, I can see it in their eyes." At that moment all of the men/boys/girls looked up at him.

"_For ya hoon_," he rolled his eyes and began to speak in Elvish, " _Nele terien…dan carmanic_?"

"_Periya dan hoon armag dana Edoras_…" Aragorn began, but Legolas cut him off.

"_Aragorn, Ledin dagor henoorian orthere! Nather daga thyer!" _Legolas stated

"Then I shall die as one of them!" Aragorn yelled in Legolas' face.

"Too right you will!" Legolas reached for his silver dagger, when Gimli held him back.

"Let him go, lad. Let him be." he stated.

"What's the sense in calling him lad? Legolas is old enough to be your great, great, grander-great grandfather…except that he's an Elf, and…you're a Dwarf…which could complicate things…" Oli's reasoning was cut off by Legolas.

"Oli this is no time for your pathetic pun! Besides," he drew himself up, "I'm definitely not older then Gimli!"

"You'd better be watching yourself, and your score of bodies, Legolas… because I'll beat the record yet!" Gimli grumbled, getting up and storming off, only to crash into the same weadly boy Aragorn had selected earlier, causing him to fly a good five meters.

"Confounded youth!" Gimli yelled, storming out the door.

The boy burst into tears.

" Great…" said Moni, as Legolas rolled his eyes. He stormed out of the room, dragging the wailing boy by the collar.

"Somebody's in trouble," sang Moni.

"You needn't be so snide about it. He's probably just nervous because of the battle, and Gimli was the last straw." Oli said.

"Whatever the problem, I'm sure Legolas can handle it. I need to get ready. I'm feeling nervous myself." Moni adjusted the chain mail shirt that she had been lent.

"It's not like this is your first battle, Moni. Remember Moria, and the battle that nearly killed Boromir? And just yesterday?" Oli prodded Moni.

"I know, I know. And quit touching me. Heather's finally gone and now you're starting it! It's so annoying!" Moni yelled in frustration.

Everyone in the room turned and glared at her.

"Carry on, just being retarded, hurry up, don't have all day! Bip, bip, bip, not a country club!" she ordered.

At that moment Legolas returned, looking extremely frustrated.

"Where's the kid?" queried Moni.

"Down with the other children where he belongs! We cannot win this fight with the 'help' of those who do nothing!" Legolas stated, not even bothering to look up as he sharpened his daggers.

"Harsh, but true I guess. Still though, what was he whining about?" Oli queried.

"How should I know? All I could get out of the whelp were sobs and unintelligible banters accompanied every now and then by a squeal when I held him by the collar!" This boy had obviously gotten on Legolas' nerves.

"That's not a very hard thing to do," thought Moni grouchily, feeling her cheek.

* * * *

"Ok, so up the…rocky plain…and then…Ugh! This is so annoying! I don't believe my luck! It always has to be me to get the weird places!" Heather stopped, panting.

She'd been travelling for the better part of the day without stopping once, and no food or water was beginning to get to her. She'd gotten past the marshes by remembering the way Smeagol had taken them, and she'd gotten out of the rocky place. Now she was on the edge of the sparse lands and had no idea where to go.

Suddenly, she heard the sound of horse hoofs and yells. Instinctively she dropped behind a large boulder, and pressed her hands against it, leaning her head out slightly.

She saw a large band of horsemen. One of the riders' horse was brilliant white.

"I know that horse…" she whispered.

Just then a shout came from its rider.

"I know that voice!" she confirmed.

Jumping quickly out from behind the rock she yelled, "Gandalf!"

Shadowfax neighed and went up on his hind legs.

"Fool of a Greenleaf! Sneaking up like that!" snapped Gandalf getting his horse under control.

"I'm fine! Thank you, how are you?" Heather said spitefully. (She did not like being called a Greenleaf, but then again, it was her own fault for suggesting she was in the first place.)

"Where are Frodo and Sam?" Gandalf demanded

"Should I know? Last I saw them they were at Osgiliath with Faramir, the wonderful captain of Gondor who wants me dead." snapped Heather.

"What a surprise," said Gandalf wryly.

"Niiice…" Heather scowled, "Could I hitch a ride with you guys back to Rohan?"

"Who is this…this…child?" asked Eomer riding up.

"Heather. She is an Elf. Kin to Lady Monica and that scoundrel Olivia." answered Gandalf, "She may have news that could be of much use to us."

"Greenleaf, you say? I have heard of the Greenleafs, Haldir, and Legolas! They are the very sons of the enchanted Elf mistress of the forest! She cannot surely be related to them and Monica, can she?" Eomer queried in disbelief.

"Hey pipe down, chachi! I am too related to Monica, and Legolas and Haldir are my half brothers! So there!" Heather stated.

"You will ride with me. You go to a heavy battle and you are too young to ride in alone." snapped Gandalf.

"Excuse me? I'm an Elf! I could easily be…at least a two thousand years old at my present age! And haven't you got any spare horses?" Heather insisted.

"No." snapped Eomer.

"What about those two on either side of you?" Heather motioned to the two empty horses Eomer was holding by the reins.

"Um, my extra steeds." Eomer proceeded to do a front spilt spreading his legs over all three horses.

"Funny. You sure must weigh a lot to take up three!" Heather said sourly, "I shall be sure to inform Monica of your…ample stature!"

Eomer rolled his eyes and swung his leg off of one of the horses.

"And I would have to get the weadly one!" Heather grumble to herself, as she mounted the splotchy grey and white horse.

But inwardly she knew she had little to complain about. She was just glad she didn't have to ride with Gandalf. Moni's 'weapon' had saved the day…once again.


	8. Chapter VIII:Orc S'mores

It's official , I hate summer school.

hope you enjoy the new chapter

**CHAPTER**

**-8-**

**Orc S'mores **

**The** rest of the day was taken up in preparations for the battle and before they knew it they were lining the wall as the Orc horde approached. Rain had began to pour heavily and Oli was mumbling about how she had just gotten into some dry clothes.

"You could have picked a better spot!" grouched Gimli, desperately trying to see what was going on, "What's going on?"

"Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to fetch you a box?" teased Legolas.

"Ha…ha…ha!" said Gimli sourly.

The Orcs stopped just outside of the wall and the leader stood up on the rock.

"Eggghhhh! Look at this field. I thought humans were clean." he grouched, "This field is covered in black and yellow slime. Looks like excrement to me. Trust them to do this right before the battle."

Back on the wall Legolas and the other elves groaned audibly.

"Theoden are there no latrines in helms deep?" complained Haldir.

"Of course." snapped Theoden, "What are we, barbarians?"

Haldir opened his mouth and then shut it. He thought it was best not to answer that.

But Legolas wasn't quite so polite, "Then why are the fields covered in human shit?!"

"How should I know? Maybe the Orcs decided to take urinating breaks before the battle." snapped Theoden.

"Well they were the ones complaining about it!" grouched Legolas.

"Legolas, _hasufel andrindi nemara_." said Oli shaking a finger at him.

The Orcs began to pound on the ground with their spears, producing a loud noise.

"No more talk!" Aragorn started some stupid speech in elvish and Legolas brought his finger across his throat in a threatening manner and Oli rolled her eyes.

While Aragorn was giving some big speech in Elvish to the men, Moni smiled smugly, turning to the girls.

"Alright, listen up girls." announced Moni, "The Orc's armour is weak at the neck and under the arm so shoot there. The record body count for one battle, made by this 'Elendil' in some freak battle, is three hundred. Today we're going to beat that so I just wanted you to know. We also need to show the boys that we're just as capable as they are so I don't want any screaming or running." said Moni.

"Yeah." added Oli, "Big lavish speech etc etc. We're going to win and that's what matters so let's go kick some Orc ass."

The girls looked at them confused.

"And this is the part where you scream and hold up your swords." said Moni.

"FOR ROHAN!" the girls yelled holding up their swords.

"That'll do…I guess." relented Moni, "You watch the girls Oli I'm going to go play with matches."

Oli laughed, "Yeah sure, I've got your back."

"Prepare to fire!" yelled Aragorn in Elvish, and everyone aimed their arrows at the front line.

There they waited for about a minute, until one of the old men accidentally let go of his. It hit an Orc in the jugular vein and he fell to the ground.

"Hold!" yelled Aragorn grouchily, but the Orcs were not nearly as forgiving, and proceeded to charge.

"Release arrows!" Aragorn yelled, and a spray of arrows flew towards the Orcs.

"Give them a volley," Theoden ordered.

"VOLLEY!" yelled his men, and the archers who were further back let their arrows go, and Moni ducked even though there was no need.

"Chicken liver," said Gimli, "Come on, send them to me!"

"Patience, patience," said Legolas.

"Easy for you to say!" Gimli growled.

"Thirteen, fourteen." Legolas was flying arrows off almost faster then he could count.

"I'm already on twenty-seven." said Haldir.

"Cool, a game. Can I join in?" said Moni.

"No, this is a man's game." said Haldir.

"Fine. But my body count is about to go a lot higher then any of yours." said Moni.

She pushed her way to the front.

"This is not a place for a woman! Get back!" pressed Haldir.

"As my renowned friend Heather would say…pipe down or fall down!" Moni turned on her lighter, setting it to lock.

"Are you mad?" asked Haldir.

"No, just a genius." said Moni smirking, "Watch this!"

Moni dropped the lighter onto the field below. It hit the ground igniting the entire field in seconds and causing the bombs Saruman had planned for Helms Deep to blow smack in the centre of the Orc forces wiping at least a forth of the army.

"I believe that beats the present record." said Moni smiling.

Legolas looked over the edge, "That is two thousand at the least wiped out with a single hit. I didn't know excrement was that flammable."

"What, who said anything about excrement?" said Moni.

"URINE! SHIT! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT!" thundered Legolas.

"Well, does that beat the present score?" said Oli.

"What score would that be?" said Haldir grouchily.

"I win! Yay!" Moni and Oli proceeded to jump around with glee, singing (almost shouting) "Deck the fields with Kerosene falalala lalala la. Light a match and watch it gleam, falalala lalala la. See the Orcses burn to ashes falala lalala lalala. Aren't we glad we planed with matches falalala lalala la."

"This is no time for frivolities. The battle is not won yet." snapped Aragorn grouchily, "The Uruk Hai will regroup and attack again."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Aragorn…hey, now that Monica's beaten the record does that meant you people will have to shout 'Monica' instead of Elendil when you go into battle." said Oli gleefully.

"No, because Elendil is not a woman!" Legolas yelled, ducking as an arrow whizzed past his ear, and firing seven or eight more shots all in one smooth move.

"What? That makes no difference!" shouted Oli over the noise, as a huge rock was catapulted towards them, and crashed the wall nearby them, producing a cry from several of the girls on Moni and Oli's team.

A volley of arrows was fired from the Orcs, and those who weren't fast enough to duck were sent to their deaths, screaming from the tower with arrows sticking out of them.

"They don't seem to be compensating the rift!" said Haldir in shock.

"Yes they are, look, their just shifting men!" said one of the women, pointing to where one column was shrinking and another was reappearing.

"At that rate it'll take them at least an hour! And I wonder what those huge things were?" said another.

"They were bombs!" stated Oli.

"Bombs?" queried Aragorn, who was commanding another volley of arrows on the unprepared Orcs.

"Yes! You light it and kaboom!" Oli waved her arms.

"I have heard of such powder. Only the very wise of the wizards can create such an extraordinary weapon!" Legolas said.

"Saruman," said Aragorn.

"Nooo…Gandalf!" said Moni sarcastically.

"Still," said Legolas, firing another volley, _"Ledin dagor henoorian orthere ooben Gandalf._"

"I know! He said he would be here, we must have faith!" Aragorn said.

"Look out! They've sent some forward!" yelled one of the women.

Aragorn looked over the side. "She is right! And they have ladders!"

"They're not going to wait?" said Moni.

"Apparently not!" sighed Oli, drawing her sword.

* * *

"Ah good! Finally!" Duri stated, as Treebeard approached them again, "So what's your decision?"

"The…Ents…cannot hold back this storm. We must weather these things as we always do." Treebeard took his time.

"How can that be your decision?" Merry burst out angrily.

"This is not our war!" said Treebeard.

"But you're part of this world…aren't you?" said Merry angrily.

Treebeard made a weird noise, which Duri interpreted as a sigh.

"You are young and brave, master Merry. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home." Treebeard said.

Merry turned around and slowly put on his coat.

Pippin approached him cautiously, "Maybe Treebeard's right. We don't belong here. It's too big for us, Merry. Maybe we should go home. We've got the Shire!"

"Well I don't, and I'm not going 'home'! You stupid tree!" Duri ran and kicked Treebeard in the toe, "I'm not staying here! I have a life! I have a life!" she began to cry angrily.

Merry looked up. "The fires of Isenguard will spread…and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn…and…and that was once good and green in this world will be gone." Merry turned to face him, "There won't be a Shire, Pippin."

* * *

comments pls


	9. Chapter XI: No One's Gettin In This Door

_**Sorry if it takes a bit longer to update now, but I'm super busy with homework and my other stories, hope you like this chapter**__**.**_

**CHAPTER**

**-9-**

**One, Two, Three, Four, No One's Getting In This Door.  
**

"_Anderas_!" yelled Aragorn, as the ladders were stuck in the ground, and slowly hauled up.

"Finally!" yelled Gimli happily.

"Swords!" Aragorn yelled, and all of the soldiers drew.

"Here goes nothing!" said Moni, drawing hers, as about three of the ladders hit the wall at the exact same time.

Ugly, disgusting, yelling Orcs piled onto the wall, jumping on poor innocent victims at will.

Moni and Oli slashed left and right with their swords. They'd had a bit of training at Rohan but nothing substantial enough for a battle like this .

"Aha!" Gimli sliced down his second Orc, and turned to Legolas. "Legolas," he yelled triumphantly, "two here!"

"I'm on 17!" said Legolas happily.

"What? I'll not let an Elf beat my score!" Gimli roared, hacking through flesh with his axe.

Legolas fired two more arrows, and turned to Gimli. "19!"

More and more ladders were being hauled onto the wall.

Moni yelled over Gimli's counting. "Hey you five!" she motioned with her hand to five girls, "You're not doing anything! Go and push the ladders away from the wall! See if you can get close enough!"

They nodded and made their way there, dodging an arrow from Legolas, who had already thought of that.

The five women began pushing ladders that were already up, back down on the Orcs, squishing them.

Legolas looked mildly impressed as he took down Orcs left and right.

Oli noticed that a turtle of Orcs had begun climbing up the ridge to the gate at the top, and yelled to her archers and the Elves, "Shoot the turtle!"

They turned their bows and took aim, firing at the side of the Orcs, and killing many.

More and more ladders were being piled and Legolas could see that their regrouping was nearly complete.

"Get those ladders!" he yelled at the now two girls, as three of them had been killed.

"That's what we're doing!" they yelled angrily, shoving another ladder off with great difficulty.

"Haldir!" yelled Legolas to his brother.

"What?" he yelled back.

"Help them!" he motioned to the woman.

"Me? I'm stuck over here! Get a woman on it!" Haldir yelled grouchily.

Legolas fired at another Orc who was climbing the top of a ladder and looked around desperately.

He caught sight of a woman with long brown hair who was kneeing an Orc in the balls.

"You! Help them with those ladders!" he yelled at her, grabbing her by the arm.

"What? Ok!" she turned and ran towards them.

"Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?" said Theoden.

"Well it wasn't but it is now!" said Oli gleefully.

The turtle had reached the wall by now and were dropping their shields to reveal a massive battering ram, which they were about to slam into the gate.

Theoden saw it and yelled, "Brace the Gates!"

All the soldiers in the keep repeated his yell.

"Yes, I know! Brace the freaking gates!" Moni yelled at the last unfortunate soldier who had yelled it at her.

Hurt, he ran towards the gate room, and around ten to eleven women and men slammed their bodies against the gates.

The Orcs rammed their battering ram into the gate and the people were thrown backwards. They quickly braced themselves against it again.

Most of the Orcs who had gotten in by ladder had moved from the walls down a narrow staircase and were fighting in the courtyard.

Aragorn leaned over the wall to see what was happening when an Orc shoved him down towards the courtyard and off the wall. He went flying and landed with a thud at the bottom. After a few seconds, he regained his composure, and stood up, seeing a large horde of Orcs coming towards him.

Suddenly a loud roar came from the wall.

"Aragorn!" It was Gimli, jumping off the wall and onto the pile of Orcs!

"Gimli!" Aragorn yelled, then motioned to the band of archers who had been shooting from the bottom.

"_Ellio_!" he yelled, drawing his sword.

They drew theirs and they all ran towards the group of Orcs, hauling Gimli up from the pile of Orcs as well.

Legolas grabbed a shield from a dead Orc, and jumped on it, sliding down the staircase and firing arrows as he reached the bottom. He flipped the shield up and stabbed it into an Orc's neck, then pulled out his silver swords and began massacring Orcs.

"Show-off!" muttered Moni.

Oli meanwhile was in the gate room, and the Orcs had broken through a piece of the gate and where firing crossbows at the men and women.

"Keep them out!" she was yelling slicing at them with her sword.

One of the Orcs bit savagely into her arm. One of the women sliced it's head clean off with their sword.

Oli staggered back in pain. Thankfully the Orc had stopped/died before he hit bone, but the wound was still deep, and large chunks of flesh were hanging off.

"Thanks!" she yelled to the girl.

"It was no trouble!" she smiled, then she grabbed a cloth from her belt and swiftly bound in tightly around Oli's arm, securing the pieces of flesh, "That will do for now!" she yelled.

"It will have to!" Oli yelled back, as several Orcs squeezed through the crack and viciously attacked them.

Theoden saw that the gates had been breached and yelled to 'pull back to the fort!'.

Aragorn heard him and nodded. "Pull back!" he yelled. "Pull back to the keep!"

Legolas and another soldier pulled a kicking, protesting Gimli back to the keep.

"Haldir!" Aragorn yelled to the Elf, who was fighting on the wall, "Pull back to the keep!"

The Elf nodded, and then turned around to fight off one Orc, only to have another come from behind him. It was just about to stab him when suddenly it fell to the ground.

Moni stood behind it with a bloody sword, " Nice try, pal."

Haldir's eyes went wide.

Aragorn finally made it up the stairs, puffing and panting.

"You're too late!" Moni informed him.

"I know that!" he said sourly, looking strangely at Haldir, who was staring at Moni as though she was an angel.

"Haldir? You alright?" Moni prodded him.

"Oh yes, fine." He and the others quickly made their way to the keep.

Aragorn, Moni and Haldir ran inside the room, where Theoden and his guard were already helping to keep the Orcs out.

"How long do you need?" Aragorn asked him.

"As long as you give me!" Theoden responded.

Aragorn nodded and grabbed Gimli by the arm.

"Hey! I'm coming too!" insisted Moni, and the three slipped out the small door and wound their way to the edge.

Aragorn leaned over and looked at the ledge, which was full of Orcs.

"Ah come on! We can take'em!" said Gimli confidently.

"It's a long way," Aragorn informed them.

Gimli looked at Moni, then at Aragorn.

"Toss me," he muttered, almost inaudibly.

"What?" Aragorn was obviously enjoying this.

"I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me!" Gimli repeated himself sourly.

"…Me too!" Moni said hesitantly.

Aragorn gave a high-and-mighty look while nodding, then reached to pick up Gimli.

"Ah, ah, ah…" he said as if in thought, "Don't tell the Elf,"

"Not a word," lied Aragorn, picking up Gimli and tossing him onto the ledge. Then he picked up Moni and threw her, then jumped himself.

Meanwhile, the Orcs had began firing hooks at the walls with ropes attached to them, and three or four large, Orc-laden ladders were being hauled up.

Legolas fired an arrow at one of the ropes and the ladder fell backwards, crushing the Orcs below.

Oli was piling more and more wood on the gate in desperation to keep it closed.

"Where are Gimli, Moni and Aragorn?" Theoden yelled.

"Directly outside!" Oli replied.

"Well get them out of there! This gate is not going to hold!" Theoden yelled back.

Oli stuck her head out of a crack and could see Gimli, Moni and Aragorn shoving Orcs off the ledge.

"Guys! Get out of there! Theoden says that the gate isn't going to hold!" she yelled.

"What? Speak up, woman, I can't hear a thing!" roared Gimli.

"I SAID…" Oli was cut short a plank of wood was stuck in the crack.

"Did anyone get what she was saying?" asked Moni, dodging a blow from an Orc.

"Something about holding the gate! Theoden must need us here!" said Aragorn, hitting an Orc in the face with the hilt of his sword.

"Why are they not moving?" asked Theoden grouchily, still hearing the clanging of swords.

"I was trying to tell them when your men shoved a plank in my face so now they don't know!" Oli said angrily.

"Well then get someone who's up on the wall to tell them. Where's the useless Elf Legolas when we need him?" Theoden complained.

Legolas' sensitive Elvish ears picked up the conversation from his place right above them.

"Useless, am I? We'll just see how 'useless' I'll be when I rescue them! Useless, Bah!" he grabbed the cut rope from the ladder and leant over the side, where he could see Moni, Gimli, and Aragorn fighting off the Orcs.

He rolled his eyes.

"Aragorn!" he yelled, throwing the rope down to him.

"The King wants us here!" said Aragorn.

"Then why did he tell Oli to say he didn't!" retorted Legolas.

"I should have known not to listen to that little liar. What is she trying to do, get us killed?" Aragorn muttered, snatching up Gimli and Moni by the collars as Legolas heaved to haul them up.

But the Elf was solid muscle (since he had no fat, which was why he was so damn light) and pulled them up with slight difficulty.

"One of you weighs at least a good hundred kilos! The other two are alright!" he complained as they clambered over the side.

"That would be Gimli or Aragorn!" said Moni.

"No, actually it was more on your side of the rope!" lied Legolas.

"Ha! Yeah right! I weigh like 47 kilos, max!" Moni protested.

Suddenly another yell sounded, "The castle is breached! Fall back to the keep!"

"That's the second time so far!"

Moni leaned over the side to see the Orcs break through the gate and charge in, "Great!"

"Retreat!" yelled one of the men, as the Orcs ran up the steps towards the keep. Everyone was ushered inside the castle.

* * *

Well how did you like it? Comments pls.


	10. Chapter X: SURPRISE!

**CHAPTER X: SURPRISE!!!**

"I will take you to the western borders of the forest. You can make your way north to your homeland from there." Treebeard told Duri, Merry and Pippin, as they sat sullenly in his branches.

Pippin seemed to be deep in thought, suddenly he yelled, "Stop! Wait! Turn around! Take us south!"

"Why are we going south? What's south?" Duri queried.

"South? But that would…take you past Isenguard." Treebeard realised.

"Exactly! If we go south, we can slip by Isenguard unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm, is the last thing he'll expect!" Pippin figured.

"It's the last thing I'd expect too!" Duri said incredulously.

"Hmm," Treebeard seemed to be trying, failing to comprehend, "That doesn't make sense to me…but then again, you are very small. Perhaps you're right. South it is!" Treebeard turned around and headed towards Isenguard, "I always liked going south. It somehow feels like going downhill."

Merry looked furiously at Pippin.

"Are you mad?" he whispered, "We'll be caught!"

"And killed, if I know Ugluk!" Duri said sourly.

"No we won't. Not this time!" said Pippin.

"Oh really? And how do you figure that then, eh?" Duri whispered.

"Never mind! If you're too slow to get it, then you won't!" Pippin stated proudly.

They reached the southern edge of the forest and could clearly see Isenguard ahead.

Treebeard was cut off in mid-sentence as he saw the plain of hacked-down Ents. He gasped, and looked around, "Many of these trees were my friends, Ents I had known from nut and acorn!"

"I'm sorry, Treebeard!" said Pippin.

"They had voices of their own!…Saruman!" he said angrily, looking down at Isenguard, "A wizard should know better!" he then proceeded to roar loudly.

Duri blocked her ears, and scowled, "Thanks Pippin! Thanks a lot! Now not only are we going to have 'slip through Isenguard unnoticed', we're going to have to do it deaf!"

"Shhh!" Pippin shushed her loudly, and she shook her fist at him.

"There is no curse in Elvish, Entish or all the tongues of men for this treachery! My business is with Isenguard tonight, with the rock and stone!"

"That's…very…deep…and…mystical, Treebeard, but seriously, Pippin, I don't see how this helps our…" Duri was shushed by Merry, as they heard a strange sound.

They looked behind them only to see at least 30 different Ents coming out of the forest.

"…Predicament." Duri finished her sentence in awe, as it finally dawned on her what was going on.

"Yes!" said Merry, who had obviously just caught on as well.

"Now do you see my wonderful and immaculately perfectionalised plan?" gloated Pippin.

"Hmmph…" muttered Duri sourly.

"Come, my friends." growled Treebeard to the Ents, "The Ents are going to war. It is likely…that we go to our doom!" he turned and began walking down the hill towards Isenguard. "The last march of the Ents." he said, as the other Ents followed him.

Duri looked up at him strangely.

* * *

A small group of knights and women were desperately barricading the gate to the castle. Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Oli and Moni were among them.

"Olivia! Help me with this bench!" yelled Aragorn, lifting one end of a large bench up.

Oli ran over and lifted the other end, heaving as they carried it towards the door, which the Orcs were bombarding with a battering ram.

"Too heavy for you?" teased Legolas.

"Shut up and help!" Oli demanded, motioning to a few chairs in the corner.

"The fortress is taken!" grouched Theoden, "It is over!"

"Like hell it is!" Oli yelled, holding her hurt arm, "I'm not giving up! If you want to, then go down to the shelter with the women and children!"

"How dare you!" Theoden roared.

"She is right! You said this fortress would never be taken as long as your men defended it! They have steeled it, they have died defending it!" Aragorn backed her up.

"Speaking of the women and the children, is there no way for them to escape?" Legolas pointed out, eager to get rid of Oli and Moni.

Theoden was silent.

"Is there no other way?" Aragorn prodded.

"There is one way…it leads to the mountains. But they will not get far, the Uruk Hai are too many!" said Glaming.

"Then send word for the women and children to make for the mountain pass, and barricade the exit!" Aragorn stated.

"Oli, Moni, that's your cue to go!" said Legolas happily.

"Dream on! We're staying right here! Don't like it? Shove it!" Moni gave him the finger, then turned to help with the door.

"The sun is rising!" said Gimli.

"Gandalf should be here soon!" thought Oli.

"So much death," whined Theoden, "What can men do against such reckless hate?"

Legolas opened his mouth to say 'Die', when Aragorn came up with an idea.

"Ride out with me! Ride out and meet them!"

"Are you suicidal?" Oli queried, "Or just plain mad?"

"For death, and glory!" Theoden said.

"For Rohan, and your people! You got some screwed up priorities!" Moni stated.

"Yes," said Theoden, "The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the Deep…one last time."

"…Ok, what?" asked Moni incredulously.

"Y…yes!" said Gimli, shrugging at the glance he received from Legolas, "We may not understand what he's going on about but I get the gist!"

"Let this be the hour when we draw swords together!" Theoden said to Aragorn, who nodded.

"Gimli, blow the horn!" said Legolas.

"What? Me?! You're the lightest of the bunch, why can't you climb up and blow it?" Gimli protested.

"Because Theoden said you're supposed to do it!" lied Legolas.

"Well…why can't we do paper, scissor, rock?" said Gimli in desperation.

"And what in Elendil's name is that?" said Legolas incredulously.

"A game Duri taught me," Gimli said, dismissivley.

"Right then, that's it! I'm not playing it!" Legolas closed his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Oh! Blast it, it's always me who has to do everything!" Gimli grudgingly climbed the tower and sounded the horn.

"Fell deeds awake," said Theoden, "Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!"

Oli and Moni looked at each other.

"Why the red dawn?" asked Moni.

"Because…of all…the blood!" Oli said grouchily.

Moni looked at her and they rolled their eyes, "We're all gonna die!"

They got up on their horse and Moni held out her hand as Legolas opened his mouth to protest.

"Save it Elfie!" she said with a relish.

They all mounted their horses just as the Orcs broke through the gate.

"For Theolindil!" yelled Theoden.

"Alright, now he's just being a copycat!" said Legolas sourly.

They charged out of the room, trampling the Uruk Hai in their way as they rode through Helm's Deep, and into the bleak daylight.

Oli and Moni were hacking desperately with their swords, while trying to steer their horse to keep up with the men. They rode down the steps and out through the broken gate onto the Orc-filled ledge, slicing through them like butter on their way down.

As they hit the field, Orcs surrounded them on every side. Moni winced as an Orc sword pierced her leg. It did not get far, as Oli swiftly killed it.

Moni looked down at her calf. Blood was soaking through the hole in her pants. It appeared to be a skin wound.

"I'll be fine!" she assured Oli.

"You'll have to be, like me and my Orc-bite!" Oli replied.

At that moment, a brilliant glow appeared on the horizon at the top of the hill, and they turned to see a white rider gallop up and pull his horse to a halt.

"Gandalf!" said Aragorn.

Most of the Orcs stopped and turned as well.

Legolas was chasing one particularly large Orc who just wouldn't die. He had stabbed him three different times and he was still fine. In fact he was so peachy he had stabbed Legolas back, in the thigh, and Legolas was determined to get revenge. He had just reached him and was about to slice off its head when an arrow hit it in the jugular vein. It gargled blood and fell to the ground dead.

Furious, Legolas looked up in the direction the arrow had come from. He saw the hill, the light, and then the rider, who he recognised as Gandalf. There was a smaller rider who looked similar to an Elf, and was holding a bow.

She looked strangely familiar. She had a big cheeky grin on her face.

"What," yelled Legolas in anger, "is she doing here?"

Heather shrugged at him and then she and her horse were shoved aside for Eomer, who approached Gandalf.

"Theoden king stands alone." said Gandalf.

"Not alone," Eomer corrected. "ROHIRRIM!" He yelled, drawing his sword.

A small line of horsemen was seen behind him.

"Eomer!" Theoden smiled.

"To the King!" he yelled.

"To the king!" they yelled, and then Gandalf charged, followed by Eomer, and at least five thousand horsemen.

The Orcs ran to formation, sticking spears in the ground and growling and drooling.

"Eww," thought Heather, as she struggled to keep her balance on her horse, as the hill was extremely steep.

At that moment, the sun rose, and (combined of course with Gandalf's spells) shone extra brightly and blinded the Orcs who began to howl.

"Ha, ha! Not so tough now, are ya…punk!" Heather yelled, as they clashed with the loosely held spears of the Orcs.

Heather subtly copied Eomer in the hopes of not getting run through, and pulled out her daggers Haldir had given her, slicing through orcs and metal.

"Hey…is that…Heather?!" questioned Aragorn to Legolas incredulously.

"So I'm not just having nightmares! How in Middle Earth did she get back on our tail?" Legolas yelled.


	11. Chapter XI: AN

**A/N**

** Ok I originally planned to break this into three parts but have decided it might be too hard for people to keep track of all of them so I will be combining them back into one in Wilkinson's Fables: Lord of the Rings. This is a notice if you wish to continue reading this you may go there.**

**thanks  
**


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